Many clients (especially men) seeking help for depression, anger, or personality disorders, often describe their mother as cold, depressed, unavailable, ambivalent, distant, burdened, intimidated, lonely, and often a victim of abuse themselves.  The abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual in nature.  One must tell “self” the truth about our mothers in terms of their personal history, their struggles, and their emotional health in order for us to have peace and healthy emotional feelings.  Sometimes clients place the same expectations on their mother which may have severe emotional baggage and limitations, as those dream girls we see on TV, June Cleaver, Margaret Anderson, (Father Knows Best) Clair Huxtable, Harriet Nelson, and you get the picture.  But the truth often includes the fact that our mothers may have been a victim of abuse, and suffered severe mental disorders such as depression, anxiety, or a personality disorder.  The truth is, if our mother suffered from a mental disorder, abuse, or depression, they weren’t ABLE, they weren’t capable of giving us what we needed in order for us  to feel loved, nurtured, and significant. We can’t truthfully hold our mother (or our father but we’ll save that for later) responsible for fulfilling their cultural and God given role as “nurturer” if they are ill equipped, or emotionally damaged.  Problem is, when we’re 7  years old, we can’t process all this psycho babble, we just know we need love and nurturing.  As adults one has to accept the “fact” that “mother” may not be able to give us what we need to survive.  If this is the situation, we must realize that God will provide.  God knows that we need “mothering” and He will provide, whether through another  surrogate “mother” ie. grandmother, aunt, friend, “sister,” or other relative.  One also has to recognize that we are “worthy” and valuable in the eyes of God REGARDLESS of the quality or amount of nurturing one received from “mother.”  Sometimes, “mother” may not have given us what we needed, but we are still worthy and valuable in the eyes of God.  We are sons and daughters of the Father, regardless of our connection with our natural “mother.”  If your mother is living, send her flowers……show that you love her, regardless of what she has given you……

So now, I’m off to the store.  Ok, first lesson, never, never shop at Wegmans on Monday mornings.  Their cupboards are also bear from the ransacking they took over the weekend.  The collard greens were yellow (for you yankees, they’re supposed to be bright verdant green),  No tomato sauce, or fresh grapefruit juice either.  Enough, you get the picture.  So now I notice  there are only two categories of people in the entire store; either the very old with grey hair ( I guess I qualify now), or young mothers with kids in shopping carts which look like model airplanes.  It’s dodge cars as you’ve never seen it (remember the dodge cars at the state fairs? The ones which have the electric sparking cable attached to the ceiling?)  Well that’s what its like.  Several grandmothers were nearly ran over by moms  rushing for the blue light special in the opposite corner of the store.  Wild as usual.

But what got my attention and brought me back to the present, a very enjoyable moment of course, was the red faced toddler standing up in the shopping cart (designed to look like a model airplane) who was announcing his unhappiness to the entire produce section.  Then I watched as the mom, bend over, without effort and softly plant a  “mothers” kiss to his sweaty forehead.  It was magical and facinating to see the calming effect of …what else…LOVE.  The tears dried up, and a big smile came on his smudged face.  See what a kiss can do?   Find the one you love right now and go plant a kiss on their cheek and see what happens…..

² Then God said, “Take your son, your only son, Isaac, whom you love, and go to the region of Moriah. Sacrifice him there as a burnt offering on one of the mountains I will tell you about.”

Can you imagine hearing the voice of God telling you to do such an insane thing?  But Abraham had astounding faith and he recognized the voice of God.  Don’t know about you, I have trouble with both having faith and recognizing the voice of God.  But Abraham responded immediately “Here I am.”  He had an ear for hearing God.  There was no confusion, no arguing, no questioning, no “but God…. but…. you said….” just obedience and preparations for the journey to the mountain of sacrifice.  How could he take Isaac, his only son, one that he had waited on for almost 100 years,  and embark on this journey to sacrificial death?  Genesis 22:5 perhaps provides a clue.  When Abraham, Isaac, the donkey, and 2 servants arrived at the mountain, Abraham told the servants to stay with the donkey and “we (Isaac and Abraham) will come back to you.”  I think he knew all along that God would provide, he just didn’t have the details yet.  It was his tremendous faith in God that allowed him to take Isaac on a  journey which to the natural eye appeared to be a death trap.  Abraham knew God and exercised faith in God that he would fulfill his promises.  True to form, Abraham pulled out his knife and was ready to slay his only son just as God had ordered.  But once again, Abraham’s keen sense and ability to discern and hear the voice of God was immediate.  An angel of the Lord called out to him from heaven, “Abraham! Abraham! And once again he replied, “Here I am.”  Most of you know how the story ended, but just in case, read the outcome in Genesis 22:-15.  He was not to lay a hand on the boy.  The Lord provided a ram for sacrifice.

Abraham must have had faith that God is a God of unlimited provision.  He called the place “The Lord will Provide.”  ”On the mountain of the Lord it will be provided”  What is this mountain of the Lord? Mountains often symbolize a tower of strength, immovable, permanent, wisdom, power, protection and magnificent beauty.

What aspects of your life do you need to exercise faith in God’s promises?  In your marriage, your relationships, your career, family, children, personal health?  I believe we can approach the “mountain of the Lord” where he provides a source of wisdom, strength, power, and protection from sin, from discouragement, guilt, shame, depression, anger, and various addictions.  Has God “promised” something to you but you don’t have the “details” just yet?

Yes, but “I’m not faithful like Abraham, I’ve had sin in my life,” or “I’ve made so many mistakes that I don’t think God would answer my prayers.”

Let me remind you that even though Abraham had tremendous, unwavering faith, he also demonstrated a lack of faith and even entered into sin on numerous occasions.  Let me start by listing a couple.  He lied about his wife Sarah being his sister on at least 2 separate occasions to protect himself.  Perhaps he is best known for sleeping with the maidservant Hagar and getting her pregnant with Ishmael. Significant consequences followed each of these sinful acts, but God was faithful and so was Abraham.  The New Testament refers to Abraham as “father of faith” not “that sinner who slept with Hagar.”

We’ve all sinned and fallen short of our high calling, but we can and must abide with our God on the mountain of provision each day.

Puebla  Mexico is a beautiful city high in the mountains with an elevation of over 7000 ft.  When we first arrived several of us became sick and nauseated (use your imagination).  We at first attributed this to unclean food or impure water.  After doing some research we discovered  that it was neither.  The cause was altitude sickness.  Altitude sickness is a reaction of the body to suddenly experiencing very high altitudes which have less oxygen.  This sickness mimics a flu like syndrome of body aches, head aches, and nausea (use your imagination.)  Any type of physical activity, walking up a hill, carrying heavy material, running, pushing, pulling, climbing, exacerbates altitude sickness.  The bottom line is,  we were very tired.  This was our last day and we were trying to complete the projects at the orphanage we had started.  I was really dragging (I was the oldest one there so have some sympathy).  We were just finishing mounting the new basketball rim and backboard when one of the ministers with us murmered,  ”finish strong.”  We actually began to pray that we would finish strong.  The two words, finish strong, began to echo  in my ears over and over again.  It gave me the inspiration to pick myself up and get back to work so that we could complete the tasks which would make the orphanage a little brighter for the children. 

Even though it’s been years since our trip, I am often reminded of those words, “finish strong”  especially when I’m tired and just want to quit.  It might be a large project at home or work,  or often it’s at the gym and I’m trying to complete my 3rd mile on the treadmill.  I have a still small voice in my head  that whispers “finish strong.”  Usually I am able to pick up my speed just a little and complete my goal. 

This week for Thanksgiving, we are visiting Kathy’s mom in Tennessee and I always go to their YMCA (which is a fabulous place) for my work out and daily run.  This morning I was running on a treadmill facing the parking lot looking out on the gray damp morning.  It was about 7 am, and I was nearing the completion of my second mile.  As I looked out toward the parking lot and up the sidewalk leading to the front door of the Y, I caught a glimpse of a little old lady, with thinning silver hair, stooped over with osteoporosis,  slowly, yet deliberately,  hobbling into the gym using her walking cane.  Yup you may have guessed it, the little old lady was Kathy’s 87 year old mother. 

The picture was a woman fiercely pushing onward,  to finish strong with great determination.  Intentionally moving forward, never giving up, NEVER, she lives her life to it’s fullest, set and determined to finish strong.  What a role model, what an example, what a heritage for Kathy and my boys. 

I finished my workout, hit the shower and as I walked out through the lobby, I peered  through the window to  the glass covered swimming area and noticed a little silver haired head bobbing up and down, up and down  in the swimming pool. Actually, there were several silver  heads bobbing up and down creating small ripples in the huge pool of blue shimmering water.   Grandmother Howard seemed to be enjoying the excercise with a small cadre of her peers who also have made the decision to finish strong.  A decision they will never regret.

When you’re tempted to “throw in the towel,” when you’re tired and you really don’t want to continue, remember that you too can determine and purpose  to FINISH STRONG.

I am not worthy of love.  I am not capable of getting the love I need without being angry and clingy.  Others are capabale of loving me but might not do so because of my flaws.  They might abandon me.  I am poor at getting the love I need and I must please my loved ones or I will be worthless and unlovable. 

The ambivalent attachment style often leads to unhealthy dependent relationships on others.  The framework of thinking that leads to dependency goes something like this;

I am incompetent. I struggle to handle things on my own.  I need strong protection.  The world is cold and dangerous.  I am flawed and on one could like me.   Every failure verifies I am flawed.  When someone rejects me, it proves I am flawed. 

Know someone like this?  It’s important to re-frame our thinking and realize that we are competent and we everyone has flaws.  Failures do not confirm a flaw.  It simply means that we have to try again.  It also means that this is not something inherently wrong with us but rather signals that we may have had one or more parents that were inconsistent in “being there” when we cried out for a safe harbor.  That’s not your fault.  It was something you needed as a child and didn’t receive.

In the avoidant style of relating, the child learns that he can’t depend on parents for a safe harbor. The child then develops a “survival” style of relating and develops self-talk that goes something like this:

I am capable of love, but others are not able to love me.  I am worthy based only on my accomplishments.  I depend on my own self and abilities in order to succeed.  Others are unwilling or unable to love me.  I must rely on self.  Others are not trustworthy, others are unreliable.

You can easily see that if one develops this framework of thinking, it will be devastating to relationships.  How can I relate to people when I have a deep mistrust of everyone?

If you recognize these traits and style of relating in your own life, you can re-frame to tell yourself the truth.  The truth is that “I couldn’t rely on my parents at times however, I can trust some people.  Everyone is not like my parents.  I am worthy in God’s eyes regardless of my accomplishments.  I will depend on God to provide direction and assistance.  I can trust God.  I may not have been able to trust or rely on my parent(s) but I can rely on God.

Often this framework of thinking has been in place for a number of years.  Reframing may be difficult and require intense practice, but the truth is….you can do it.

“the infant and young child should experience a warm, intimate, and continuous relationship with his mother (or permanent mother substitute) in which both find satisfaction and enjoyment”

This formed the basis of his attachment theory.  The theory basically says that children develop a framework of thinking about their self worth, about others, about their trust in others, and trust in themselves as a result of the child’s ability to have basic needs met by the parents (and mother in particular).

There are four basic attachment styles or ways in which we enter relationships.  The secure, the avoidant, the ambivalent, and the disorganized.

I’ll address one of these today and others to follow.

The secure attachment style says “I am worthy of love, I am capable of love, and others are willing and able to love me.”  The truth is, regardless of how well your needs were met as a child, you are still are worthy of God’s love, you are capable of love, and others can love you.

People that struggle in relationships probably are acting out the other styles of relationship, ie. the avoidant, ambivalent or the disorganized.    More tomorrow.

Be sure not to tell yourself you “don’t” when you do want it.  Be mindful not to accept “you can’t” when you know you can.  Pay attention to the excuses you make “not to”, when you know you must.  Don’t settle for less when you desire more.  No matter how hard you think it is, ask for what you need and what you want when you need it or want it.  Pay attention to the inner chatter which will take a temporary defense mechanism and turn it into a crutch.

Many people who have developed a framework of thinking since early childhood hold onto beliefs,  feelings, and ways of thinking regardless of the evidence to the contrary.  This faulty framework of thinking is also reinforced at times when events and appearances (standing on the shore and looking out at the horizon) seem to validate our “self-talk.”  I recently talked with a client who had been physically abused by his father beginning at around age 3.  It’s a long familiar story, and  you’ve probably heard it all before.  Years of abuse, neglect, and rejection led him to develop a survival personality marked by emotional distance, addictions, mistrust and suspicion of  ALL people.  No one should be trusted, everyone is out to get me,  I’m a loser, I’m stupid, I’m a failure and I’m never going to accomplish anything.  The paradox is, even in light of his extreme negative self talk, this client has a masters degree and has several attributes and gifts to be proud of.  Yes he is clinically depressed, displays some paranoia,and  has trouble establishing emotional intimacy and relationships.  If he can practice telling himself  “the earth is round” even though all of his life he’s been taught and believed “the earth is flat”  he’s going to experience emotional and spiritiual healing.  His own personal history provides  evidence that says he can establish intimacy, he can set a goal and reach it, he’s not stupid but actually has a very high IQ.  I’m currently working with him to re-frame his thinking and tell himself the truth.  The truth is, it feels like the earth is flat sometimes, but the fact is, its round.