God seems to transform and bring healing to us in at least two distinct ways;  an instantaneous miracle, or through a process of peeling back multiple layers of spiritual, emotional, and psychological walls, often compared to “peeling an onion.”  This latter process usually occurs over extended periods of time often requiring years or even a lifetime to accomplish.

In my experience with counseling those struggling with sexual addictions and sexual sins, transforming healing and freedom occurs during a process over time.  I’ve also observed this “healing process” with drug addictions as well. During the process there are often “slip-ups” where the person who has resolved never to go back, never to “use” again, returns to use the drug or view the pornography once more.

While we know that God has the power to instantly heal and bring recovery, I believe he uses this restorative process over time to vividly demonstrate the destructive, deadly, consequences that sin brings not only to the individual but to family and friends surrounding the person.  It helps one to realize the “awfulness” of the sin which drives us to our knees in daily submission and supplication to our Father for help.  The process also reveals to us the magnificence and depth of His grace when we are  totally and completely dependent on God for deliverance.  Remember God spoke to Paul about his struggles and said “my grace is sufficient.” God did not instantly bring healing or restoration to Paul regarding the “thorn in the flesh.”  I believe he wanted to use this opportunity to demonstrate his grace and power in Paul’s life.

The story of Joseph in Genesis perfectly describes a healing process.  God could have instantly taken revenge on the brothers who tried to kill Joseph.  He could have made Joseph ruler in Egypt at any time.  But he didn’t.  We’re provided a narrative that tells of how Joseph was left for dead, slandered, accused of rape, and  imprisoned before being placed in authority to save his family.  It was a process.  All the evil that was hoisted upon Joseph, God turned it around and made something beautiful and good that saved his entire family from death.

Genesis 50:20 You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.

Look at the process that God took Abraham and Sara through.  Why didn’t God just give them a son during their youthful years?  Why did he wait 100 years before giving them a child?  It was through this extended period of time that Abraham proved his faith and God demonstrated his powerful hand to accomplish what he promised he would.

I believe God can take the evil that haunts and seeks to destroy our lives and make something good from it.  Addictive behaviors are always the tip of the iceberg.  It’s what we observe from the outside. God wants to uncover the often hidden root causes, the emotional and psychological wounds, unforgiveness, anger, self reliance and pride, that support and give way to the addictive behaviors.  True restoration, freedom and healing from these types of wounds will take time to explore and allow the Holy Spirit to reveal new insights within our hearts which will bring lasting transformation.

This leads to instant gratification of impulsive cravings.  These “pleasure” chemicals mimic the cocaine “high.”  Many addictions (especially sexual addictions) stem from the fear of abandonment.  These individuals do not trust themselves or others.  They find comfort in their addictive, compulsive, and fantasy which is a false substitute for the true intimacy they are searching for.  In the past heard others and I myself have mistakenly made the statement about addicts, “why don’t they just stop?”  or “they could stop is they wanted to.”  Well, it’s more complicated than that.  The addictive behavior is only the symptom.  The behavior will continue until the root cause (eg fear of abandonment) is healed by God and/or through counseling and therapy.

For more information contact www.thepeacemakercenter.org or rwcreasy@gmail.com

“the infant and young child should experience a warm, intimate, and continuous relationship with his mother (or permanent mother substitute) in which both find satisfaction and enjoyment”

This formed the basis of his attachment theory.  The theory basically says that children develop a framework of thinking about their self worth, about others, about their trust in others, and trust in themselves as a result of the child’s ability to have basic needs met by the parents (and mother in particular).

There are four basic attachment styles or ways in which we enter relationships.  The secure, the avoidant, the ambivalent, and the disorganized.

I’ll address one of these today and others to follow.

The secure attachment style says “I am worthy of love, I am capable of love, and others are willing and able to love me.”  The truth is, regardless of how well your needs were met as a child, you are still are worthy of God’s love, you are capable of love, and others can love you.

People that struggle in relationships probably are acting out the other styles of relationship, ie. the avoidant, ambivalent or the disorganized.    More tomorrow.

The challenges of marriage can persist throughout a relationship and can at times be intense and overwhelming.  However, couples are especially vulnerable shortly after marriage, as newly weds adjust to living together. These challenges come in a variety of forms but more frequently are the result of financial stresses and difficulties, illness, emotional “baggage” consisting of current or unresolved issues from the family of origin (my parents, my siblings; her parents, her siblings, past abuse etc) and unplanned pregnancies.   These challenges are often compounded by the couple’s inability to effectively communicate or resolve conflicts.

Emotional and spiritual intimacy must be preserved, nourished, and intentionally cultivated at all times in order for a marriage to thrive and flourish.  Healthy couples should be able to talk about a full range of issues and feelings without undue anxiety or conflict.  When the marriage relationship is attacked and conflict arises, the more comfortable default stance is to construct emotional walls which prevent and deter communication and block emotional intimacy. It seems too painful to talk about it especially if the couple lacks good conflict resolution skills.

PS ….no more political discussions during dinner 

Men, on the other hand, reported negative self talk such as “I must be able to have intercourse, ” “I must achieve an erection,” “this is not going anywhere,” “I’m going to fail,” and lack of erotic thoughts.

These negative thoughts are strongly associated with sexual dysfunction.

The role of the counselor would primarily focus on helping the client identify negative thoughts and reframe them to more positive thoughts.

One’s framework of thinking about sex (like anything else) can be shaped by past experiences such as previous sexual abuse, use of or exposure to pornography, physical illness, concern about aging, and other bodily functions.

Sexual intimacy is a vital component of a vibrant marriage relationship.  Our self talk (WAYTY) has a dramatic effect on how we approach intimacy.

If you would like additional information or to speak with a counselor, click on the www.thepeacemakercenter.org on the title page.