Many clients (especially men) seeking help for depression, anger, or personality disorders, often describe their mother as cold, depressed, unavailable, ambivalent, distant, burdened, intimidated, lonely, and often a victim of abuse themselves.  The abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual in nature.  One must tell “self” the truth about our mothers in terms of their personal history, their struggles, and their emotional health in order for us to have peace and healthy emotional feelings.  Sometimes clients place the same expectations on their mother which may have severe emotional baggage and limitations, as those dream girls we see on TV, June Cleaver, Margaret Anderson, (Father Knows Best) Clair Huxtable, Harriet Nelson, and you get the picture.  But the truth often includes the fact that our mothers may have been a victim of abuse, and suffered severe mental disorders such as depression, anxiety, or a personality disorder.  The truth is, if our mother suffered from a mental disorder, abuse, or depression, they weren’t ABLE, they weren’t capable of giving us what we needed in order for us  to feel loved, nurtured, and significant. We can’t truthfully hold our mother (or our father but we’ll save that for later) responsible for fulfilling their cultural and God given role as “nurturer” if they are ill equipped, or emotionally damaged.  Problem is, when we’re 7  years old, we can’t process all this psycho babble, we just know we need love and nurturing.  As adults one has to accept the “fact” that “mother” may not be able to give us what we need to survive.  If this is the situation, we must realize that God will provide.  God knows that we need “mothering” and He will provide, whether through another  surrogate “mother” ie. grandmother, aunt, friend, “sister,” or other relative.  One also has to recognize that we are “worthy” and valuable in the eyes of God REGARDLESS of the quality or amount of nurturing one received from “mother.”  Sometimes, “mother” may not have given us what we needed, but we are still worthy and valuable in the eyes of God.  We are sons and daughters of the Father, regardless of our connection with our natural “mother.”  If your mother is living, send her flowers……show that you love her, regardless of what she has given you……

Puebla  Mexico is a beautiful city high in the mountains with an elevation of over 7000 ft.  When we first arrived several of us became sick and nauseated (use your imagination).  We at first attributed this to unclean food or impure water.  After doing some research we discovered  that it was neither.  The cause was altitude sickness.  Altitude sickness is a reaction of the body to suddenly experiencing very high altitudes which have less oxygen.  This sickness mimics a flu like syndrome of body aches, head aches, and nausea (use your imagination.)  Any type of physical activity, walking up a hill, carrying heavy material, running, pushing, pulling, climbing, exacerbates altitude sickness.  The bottom line is,  we were very tired.  This was our last day and we were trying to complete the projects at the orphanage we had started.  I was really dragging (I was the oldest one there so have some sympathy).  We were just finishing mounting the new basketball rim and backboard when one of the ministers with us murmered,  ”finish strong.”  We actually began to pray that we would finish strong.  The two words, finish strong, began to echo  in my ears over and over again.  It gave me the inspiration to pick myself up and get back to work so that we could complete the tasks which would make the orphanage a little brighter for the children. 

Even though it’s been years since our trip, I am often reminded of those words, “finish strong”  especially when I’m tired and just want to quit.  It might be a large project at home or work,  or often it’s at the gym and I’m trying to complete my 3rd mile on the treadmill.  I have a still small voice in my head  that whispers “finish strong.”  Usually I am able to pick up my speed just a little and complete my goal. 

This week for Thanksgiving, we are visiting Kathy’s mom in Tennessee and I always go to their YMCA (which is a fabulous place) for my work out and daily run.  This morning I was running on a treadmill facing the parking lot looking out on the gray damp morning.  It was about 7 am, and I was nearing the completion of my second mile.  As I looked out toward the parking lot and up the sidewalk leading to the front door of the Y, I caught a glimpse of a little old lady, with thinning silver hair, stooped over with osteoporosis,  slowly, yet deliberately,  hobbling into the gym using her walking cane.  Yup you may have guessed it, the little old lady was Kathy’s 87 year old mother. 

The picture was a woman fiercely pushing onward,  to finish strong with great determination.  Intentionally moving forward, never giving up, NEVER, she lives her life to it’s fullest, set and determined to finish strong.  What a role model, what an example, what a heritage for Kathy and my boys. 

I finished my workout, hit the shower and as I walked out through the lobby, I peered  through the window to  the glass covered swimming area and noticed a little silver haired head bobbing up and down, up and down  in the swimming pool. Actually, there were several silver  heads bobbing up and down creating small ripples in the huge pool of blue shimmering water.   Grandmother Howard seemed to be enjoying the excercise with a small cadre of her peers who also have made the decision to finish strong.  A decision they will never regret.

When you’re tempted to “throw in the towel,” when you’re tired and you really don’t want to continue, remember that you too can determine and purpose  to FINISH STRONG.

I am not worthy of love.  I am not capable of getting the love I need without being angry and clingy.  Others are capabale of loving me but might not do so because of my flaws.  They might abandon me.  I am poor at getting the love I need and I must please my loved ones or I will be worthless and unlovable. 

The ambivalent attachment style often leads to unhealthy dependent relationships on others.  The framework of thinking that leads to dependency goes something like this;

I am incompetent. I struggle to handle things on my own.  I need strong protection.  The world is cold and dangerous.  I am flawed and on one could like me.   Every failure verifies I am flawed.  When someone rejects me, it proves I am flawed. 

Know someone like this?  It’s important to re-frame our thinking and realize that we are competent and we everyone has flaws.  Failures do not confirm a flaw.  It simply means that we have to try again.  It also means that this is not something inherently wrong with us but rather signals that we may have had one or more parents that were inconsistent in “being there” when we cried out for a safe harbor.  That’s not your fault.  It was something you needed as a child and didn’t receive.

In the avoidant style of relating, the child learns that he can’t depend on parents for a safe harbor. The child then develops a “survival” style of relating and develops self-talk that goes something like this:

I am capable of love, but others are not able to love me.  I am worthy based only on my accomplishments.  I depend on my own self and abilities in order to succeed.  Others are unwilling or unable to love me.  I must rely on self.  Others are not trustworthy, others are unreliable.

You can easily see that if one develops this framework of thinking, it will be devastating to relationships.  How can I relate to people when I have a deep mistrust of everyone?

If you recognize these traits and style of relating in your own life, you can re-frame to tell yourself the truth.  The truth is that “I couldn’t rely on my parents at times however, I can trust some people.  Everyone is not like my parents.  I am worthy in God’s eyes regardless of my accomplishments.  I will depend on God to provide direction and assistance.  I can trust God.  I may not have been able to trust or rely on my parent(s) but I can rely on God.

Often this framework of thinking has been in place for a number of years.  Reframing may be difficult and require intense practice, but the truth is….you can do it.

“the infant and young child should experience a warm, intimate, and continuous relationship with his mother (or permanent mother substitute) in which both find satisfaction and enjoyment”

This formed the basis of his attachment theory.  The theory basically says that children develop a framework of thinking about their self worth, about others, about their trust in others, and trust in themselves as a result of the child’s ability to have basic needs met by the parents (and mother in particular).

There are four basic attachment styles or ways in which we enter relationships.  The secure, the avoidant, the ambivalent, and the disorganized.

I’ll address one of these today and others to follow.

The secure attachment style says “I am worthy of love, I am capable of love, and others are willing and able to love me.”  The truth is, regardless of how well your needs were met as a child, you are still are worthy of God’s love, you are capable of love, and others can love you.

People that struggle in relationships probably are acting out the other styles of relationship, ie. the avoidant, ambivalent or the disorganized.    More tomorrow.

Be sure not to tell yourself you “don’t” when you do want it.  Be mindful not to accept “you can’t” when you know you can.  Pay attention to the excuses you make “not to”, when you know you must.  Don’t settle for less when you desire more.  No matter how hard you think it is, ask for what you need and what you want when you need it or want it.  Pay attention to the inner chatter which will take a temporary defense mechanism and turn it into a crutch.

Author Unknown

Now, compare and contrast what effect this self-talk would have on your entire emotional “feelings” compared to wallowing in the mire of your difficult circumstances.  By reframing your self-talk to view difficulties in this perspective, you’ll be able to remain in the present and avoid the mire of anger and depression.

Many people who have developed a framework of thinking since early childhood hold onto beliefs,  feelings, and ways of thinking regardless of the evidence to the contrary.  This faulty framework of thinking is also reinforced at times when events and appearances (standing on the shore and looking out at the horizon) seem to validate our “self-talk.”  I recently talked with a client who had been physically abused by his father beginning at around age 3.  It’s a long familiar story, and  you’ve probably heard it all before.  Years of abuse, neglect, and rejection led him to develop a survival personality marked by emotional distance, addictions, mistrust and suspicion of  ALL people.  No one should be trusted, everyone is out to get me,  I’m a loser, I’m stupid, I’m a failure and I’m never going to accomplish anything.  The paradox is, even in light of his extreme negative self talk, this client has a masters degree and has several attributes and gifts to be proud of.  Yes he is clinically depressed, displays some paranoia,and  has trouble establishing emotional intimacy and relationships.  If he can practice telling himself  “the earth is round” even though all of his life he’s been taught and believed “the earth is flat”  he’s going to experience emotional and spiritiual healing.  His own personal history provides  evidence that says he can establish intimacy, he can set a goal and reach it, he’s not stupid but actually has a very high IQ.  I’m currently working with him to re-frame his thinking and tell himself the truth.  The truth is, it feels like the earth is flat sometimes, but the fact is, its round.

I won’t belabor Jack’s story.  It’s a familiar one for those who struggle with substance abuse.  He was in and out of therapy, attempting to maintain sobriety through a number of support groups and therapists.  I was struck by how remorseful and sorry he was for causing others pain.  And like most people suffering from addictions,  Jack had suffered tremendous pain himself, abandonment, abuse, low self esteem, depression.  Yet he loved deeply.  He loved his family and he loved God.  He wanted to be reconciled with those he loved.  He wanted to get his life in order and he was a man of strong faith in God. Yet, as true with those who struggle with addictions of any kind, there were two Jacks.  There was the Jack who was in deep emotional ache reaching out to numb the pangs of darkness that would at times flood his soul.  This was the angry, depressed Jack full of rage and discontent who was looking, searching for some way to wall off  and block the awful pain.  This was the Jack that could hurt those around him with his harsh words and his violent behavior.  But, there was also the remorseful Jack, full of guilt, shame, and yes love. Always trying to improve himself, find his way back, and live a productive and fulfilling life. Jack was earnestly searching for restoration.

Recently Jack passed away and I was fortunate to attend his memorial service which was held in a beautiful, secluded wooded campground.  The outdoor pavilion was filled with his friends and relatives. Amazing? Had he been forgotten? Did he die after living a meaningless life?   Not at all.  Remember, he loved deeply.  His children are well educated, and very well adjusted and balanced from what I can tell.  Somewhere in all this murky emotional pain and rage, he conveyed a strong sense of love, right, and wrong to those he loved.  He passed those values and ethics on to friends and relatives.  It was duly noted during the brief service.  The speaker pointed out so clearly that there were two Jacks.

This was a sun drenched summer day that I will always remember. In the quiet solitude of the woods that Jack loved so well, sitting there on a rustic picnic bench, so much seemed to make sense to me.  Not only did I come to understand more clearly who Jack was, but I also learned more about myself.  I saw so much of Jack in myself.  Jack is in all of us.  You know, the other side of us that is sometimes panicked by fear, anger, rage, the walls we build, and various addictions that take hold of our life.  Don’t be tempted to judge Jack. Addictions and seeking relief from emotional and spiritual pain come in many forms.  But, I realized perhaps for the first time, that grace covers it all. Yes, sometimes there are “two of me” struggling within just as there were two Jacks.  We continually bathe in his grace to cover our  sins. Grace made the way where flesh failed time and time again.  Jack’s final testimony was that he was ready to go home. He knew that he was forgiven and ready to accept the wide arms and embrace of his heavenly Father.  There was a real spirit of peace that fell on the mourners that day.  And I know that Jack is experiencing that peace at this moment; the ultimate peace that Jack had been searching for all of his life is now an eternal reality.  And once again, Jack had touched lives by living his.