I recently attended a Christian men’s retreat designed to address a man’s shame, anger, loss, guilt, and fear.  The transparency from each man was astonishing and refreshing.  I met a young man that looked “so together”  on the outside.   He was well dressed, friendly, and had a charismatic personality.  I sat across from him at lunch one day and we’d never met.  I wanted to make small talk. I started to ask him about his family, how long had he been married, did he have children.   I wondered.  He began to share that he had struggled with a gruesome past of meth addiction, same sex attraction, and was HIV positive.  But he was seeking God through prayer and felt that because of his early childhood sexual abuse, he had become confused about his masculinity and who he was in Christ.  He did not want to live the gay lifestyle and had attended  the Marked Men For Christ retreat to receive spiritual help for his struggles. He had great faith and stated that he believed God could heal him of his infection.  At first he was taking 10-12 different pills, now he was taking only one pill, and believed that God had protected his life. I met other men over the course of the weekend who were fighting various addictions and problems that were hindering them from becoming all that God had intended. Former inmates, drug addicts, men who had been shamed by their parents, abused by siblings or other relatives, men who had committed adultery, all seeking help, forgiveness, and healing for their wounds and immobilizing fear.  All were repentant. Were these people who would stand out in a crowd?  Did they look weird?  Sound or talk differently?  Dress oddly?  Not at all. They are God’s children just like you and me.  The “guy” next door.

You have your personal struggles, and I have mine. Admit it.  Look, we all have issues and wounds from the past that God is wanting to heal and restore completely. We are all “children” walking a mine field of life’s jagged journey.  Your journey will be different than mine but we’re connected by our common humanity and frailty.  Sometimes the journey gets tough, it’s painful, tragic, and contorted. Yet we share our humanity and are connected by our fallen, at times frail flesh.  I’m more convinced than ever that we are so “fallen” and so “flesh” like, so needy, that whether one believes in God or not, only a divine, all knowing, all powerful entity or deity could save us from our “fallen-ness.”

Now, go hug a friend, make a phone call, reach out, extend a hand,  let someone know that you care about them. I promise it will be therapeutic ….for both of you.

New cultural environments are always interesting whether it’s food differences or personal habits.  I’ve actually found speckled butterbeans in the supermarket which I had not seen since my grandmother grew them in her garden 50 years ago.  Can’t find those in Philadelphia. Fresh collard greens are plenteous.  I’m not in style unless I go ahead and purchase a camouflage jacket to wear in Wal-Mart. I think they’re actually staring at me with my black mock turtleneck sweater.  I’m sure my southern drawl has been accentuated during these short 6 weeks. Of course, up until our last day in PA, store clerks, (eg. Wegman’s grocery checkers) would inevitably  ask “Now where are you from?”  “Do you live here?”  Yea. For 15 years.  “If you think I’ve got a drawl, you outta hear my wife.”

So, some advice to any one thinking about moving or relocating:

1.  Get familiar with SKYPE and use it frequently.  It allows you to make contact with dear loved ones.  Make sure you’re fully clothed and sober when you make the call.

2.    Never, ever, move or relocate on the promise or false hope of milder, warmer weather.  In fact, if moving to a warmer climate (allegedly Tennessee) you can make a lot of money fast by pre-ordering 10,000 snow shovels from Oriental Trading Company or other reputable Chinese manufacturer for $3 each and then selling them for the low, low price of $49.99.  When the unexpected 10 inches of snow arrives, you’ll have no trouble depleting your stock. I’d also recommend purchasing the same number of sleds or round plastic “saucers” for $15 dollars each and selling them for $89.99.  Yea…that’s a good way to retire.  Not a single store here had shovels or sleds in stock.  Just sayin.  Attention snow plow sales people! Please make an appointment with the local Mayor immediately.  That goes for salt sellers too; county and city are completely out and it’s only January 15.

3.  Find someone who will give you a hair cut without scalping you and lowering your ears by 2 inches.  My Lord.  What does “don’t cut much of the length off and leave me some hair to touch my ears” mean to some folks.  Oh well, I’ll look normal again in 3 weeks.

4.  When placing personal items in storage, remember to rescue your Bose headphones, iPhone rechargers,  or any oriental rugs that will be needed to match paint colors for the new house.  If they did get packed away do not store them in the rear of the unit but in the front for easy access.

5.  Get a a Ford Truck and your “huntin” license.

Some kids eagerly run ahead, excited about the challenge ahead.  One mom carries her 3 year old daughter in her arms as brother lags some distance behind with an anxious look on his face.  Reluctance. Clad in crinkled gym shorts, Y tee shirt, and size 6 tennis shoes, they are wondering, “Can I do it?  “Can I make mom and dad proud?”  “Can I really dribble down the court?”  “Hope I don’t trip today.” The orange rim goal looms overhead twice their height.  It requires both arms to lunge the massive ball onto the glass backboard.  The giant sphere swishes the net….. falling short of the rim.

I walk by the glass enclosed play area and a camera flash goes off as memories are collected for bragging rights later.  As rubber soles slide across the shiny polished wood floors, friction squeaks are heard above loud parents yelling, “Go girl!”  “Way to go!” “Come on, move it!”  Controlled chaos. Herding cats.  “Over here!”  “Shoot!”  A friendly ref blows the whistle and calls it out of bounds.  He points in the opposite direction.

It’s become an American ritual.  Every Saturday morning, families of all colors, shapes, sizes, make their way to the soccer fields, baseball and football fields marking spring, fall, and winter.  Summertime is reserved for swim teams.

Yea I remember when.  My oldest just turned 29 yesterday.  Once my 2 boys grew up, it was a couple of years before I could drive past an empty soccer field without getting a lump in my throat.  That seems like a long time ago. But for some reason, today’s blast to the past makes it seem as only yesterday. Saturday mornings at the Y and to the various sport’s fields filled each Saturday.  Late lunches at Joe and Mima’s with great cheese stake sandwiches or chicken wings at Old Country Buffet.  Crash Saturday night during a card game with friends.

Yea, I remember it all.  If your kids are grown like mine, then take some time out to sit and remember these rituals of parenting.  If you’re not there yet, you’re not married or you don’t have kids, then you have more to look forward to.  If you’re there now, savor it.  Don’t rush. Don’t wish it away.  Get present.  Be aware when holding your son’s hand as you march defiantly into the gym on that cold December morning.  Notice your little girl’s stride as she attacks the ball mid court.  It will pass soon enough.  There’s only a few more trips to the soccer field.  The days are numbered.  It is a spectacular journey.

Many clients (especially men) seeking help for depression, anger, or personality disorders, often describe their mother as cold, depressed, unavailable, ambivalent, distant, burdened, intimidated, lonely, and often a victim of abuse themselves.  The abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual in nature.  One must tell “self” the truth about our mothers in terms of their personal history, their struggles, and their emotional health in order for us to have peace and healthy emotional feelings.  Sometimes clients place the same expectations on their mother which may have severe emotional baggage and limitations, as those dream girls we see on TV, June Cleaver, Margaret Anderson, (Father Knows Best) Clair Huxtable, Harriet Nelson, and you get the picture.  But the truth often includes the fact that our mothers may have been a victim of abuse, and suffered severe mental disorders such as depression, anxiety, or a personality disorder.  The truth is, if our mother suffered from a mental disorder, abuse, or depression, they weren’t ABLE, they weren’t capable of giving us what we needed in order for us  to feel loved, nurtured, and significant. We can’t truthfully hold our mother (or our father but we’ll save that for later) responsible for fulfilling their cultural and God given role as “nurturer” if they are ill equipped, or emotionally damaged.  Problem is, when we’re 7  years old, we can’t process all this psycho babble, we just know we need love and nurturing.  As adults one has to accept the “fact” that “mother” may not be able to give us what we need to survive.  If this is the situation, we must realize that God will provide.  God knows that we need “mothering” and He will provide, whether through another  surrogate “mother” ie. grandmother, aunt, friend, “sister,” or other relative.  One also has to recognize that we are “worthy” and valuable in the eyes of God REGARDLESS of the quality or amount of nurturing one received from “mother.”  Sometimes, “mother” may not have given us what we needed, but we are still worthy and valuable in the eyes of God.  We are sons and daughters of the Father, regardless of our connection with our natural “mother.”  If your mother is living, send her flowers……show that you love her, regardless of what she has given you……

Shady Maple also has a farm market which specialized in fresh produce, deli meat, beef, pork, chicken, at a fair price, and a variety of “country offerings” including a cheap lunch for under $4.  They often offered fresh grilled chicken and bar-b-q and chips with drink.  Hey, Kathy and I were the youngest patrons in the dining area.  We felt great. It boosted our ego.

Well, the modern world has taken over and invaded our simple, country, Lancaster brand living and shopping. Where are the Amish when you really need them?

I visited Shady Maple store today and was sorely disappointed.  They’ve remodeled the entire store.  We saw this happening gradually but did not understand the full impact until today when we viewed the final product.  This time of year, we’re usually greeted by the expansive tent protecting a large variety of seasonal garden plants, flowers, and hanging baskets with Amish clerks manning the cash register.  Cash only please. The entrance has completely been remodeled, re-routed, there is no tent, there is instead a skimpy selection of yellowing geraniums and droopy tomato plants on display within the narrow entrance hall.  Yuk.  Is this progress?  I hate it.  They have completely destroyed the ambiance of simplicity and replaced it with a “modern” touch devoid of my reality, of times past and provide an inferior quality of product.

I”ve reluctantly accepted this transition, although I’m convinced it’s  a negative step headed in the wrong direction, called progress.  Why can’t we leave some things alone? Why do we feel the need to tile, rearrange, carpet, update and destroy articles of the past?  I loved the simplicity and calmness of Shady Maple dressed in 70′s attire. It was a step back in time.  Unfortunately, it’s been retooled, remodeled, reshaped, and no longer resembles anything I recognize or admire.  Why do things have to be so complicated today?

Although they still sell many items in bulk such as cumin, cereal, spices, oats, and I can find collard greens, cilantro, lemons and limes at at good price, I doubt that Kathy and I will travel the inspirational 30 minutes west on 322 as often. What’s the point?

Wegman’s, which is 10 minutes from hour home actually has better prices and higher quality produce. Their fresh baked rosemary/olive oil loaf is warm to the touch when I pick it up. It’s to die for.

I’m sad.  I feel like I’ve lost a good friend.  Good bye Shady Maple….I’ll miss you.

I have often said I forgive you but even as I said these words, my heart remained angry or resentful.

I still wanted to hear the story that tells me that I was right after all; I still wanted to hear apologies and excuses.  I still wanted the satisfaction of receiving some praise in return.

But God’s forgiveness is unconditional; it comes from a heart that does not demand anything for itself, a heart that is completely empty of sell-seeking.

It is this divine forgiveness that I have to practice in my daily life.  It demands that I step over the wounded part of my heart that feels hurt and wronged and that wants to stay in control and put a few conditions between me and the one whom I as asked to forgive.

This stepping over is the authentic discipline of forgiveness.

This leads to instant gratification of impulsive cravings.  These “pleasure” chemicals mimic the cocaine “high.”  Many addictions (especially sexual addictions) stem from the fear of abandonment.  These individuals do not trust themselves or others.  They find comfort in their addictive, compulsive, and fantasy which is a false substitute for the true intimacy they are searching for.  In the past heard others and I myself have mistakenly made the statement about addicts, “why don’t they just stop?”  or “they could stop is they wanted to.”  Well, it’s more complicated than that.  The addictive behavior is only the symptom.  The behavior will continue until the root cause (eg fear of abandonment) is healed by God and/or through counseling and therapy.

For more information contact www.thepeacemakercenter.org or rwcreasy@gmail.com

I am not worthy of love.  I am not capable of getting the love I need without being angry and clingy.  Others are capabale of loving me but might not do so because of my flaws.  They might abandon me.  I am poor at getting the love I need and I must please my loved ones or I will be worthless and unlovable. 

The ambivalent attachment style often leads to unhealthy dependent relationships on others.  The framework of thinking that leads to dependency goes something like this;

I am incompetent. I struggle to handle things on my own.  I need strong protection.  The world is cold and dangerous.  I am flawed and on one could like me.   Every failure verifies I am flawed.  When someone rejects me, it proves I am flawed. 

Know someone like this?  It’s important to re-frame our thinking and realize that we are competent and we everyone has flaws.  Failures do not confirm a flaw.  It simply means that we have to try again.  It also means that this is not something inherently wrong with us but rather signals that we may have had one or more parents that were inconsistent in “being there” when we cried out for a safe harbor.  That’s not your fault.  It was something you needed as a child and didn’t receive.

In the avoidant style of relating, the child learns that he can’t depend on parents for a safe harbor. The child then develops a “survival” style of relating and develops self-talk that goes something like this:

I am capable of love, but others are not able to love me.  I am worthy based only on my accomplishments.  I depend on my own self and abilities in order to succeed.  Others are unwilling or unable to love me.  I must rely on self.  Others are not trustworthy, others are unreliable.

You can easily see that if one develops this framework of thinking, it will be devastating to relationships.  How can I relate to people when I have a deep mistrust of everyone?

If you recognize these traits and style of relating in your own life, you can re-frame to tell yourself the truth.  The truth is that “I couldn’t rely on my parents at times however, I can trust some people.  Everyone is not like my parents.  I am worthy in God’s eyes regardless of my accomplishments.  I will depend on God to provide direction and assistance.  I can trust God.  I may not have been able to trust or rely on my parent(s) but I can rely on God.

Often this framework of thinking has been in place for a number of years.  Reframing may be difficult and require intense practice, but the truth is….you can do it.

Be sure not to tell yourself you “don’t” when you do want it.  Be mindful not to accept “you can’t” when you know you can.  Pay attention to the excuses you make “not to”, when you know you must.  Don’t settle for less when you desire more.  No matter how hard you think it is, ask for what you need and what you want when you need it or want it.  Pay attention to the inner chatter which will take a temporary defense mechanism and turn it into a crutch.