Many clients (especially men) seeking help for depression, anger, or personality disorders, often describe their mother as cold, depressed, unavailable, ambivalent, distant, burdened, intimidated, lonely, and often a victim of abuse themselves.  The abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual in nature.  One must tell “self” the truth about our mothers in terms of their personal history, their struggles, and their emotional health in order for us to have peace and healthy emotional feelings.  Sometimes clients place the same expectations on their mother which may have severe emotional baggage and limitations, as those dream girls we see on TV, June Cleaver, Margaret Anderson, (Father Knows Best) Clair Huxtable, Harriet Nelson, and you get the picture.  But the truth often includes the fact that our mothers may have been a victim of abuse, and suffered severe mental disorders such as depression, anxiety, or a personality disorder.  The truth is, if our mother suffered from a mental disorder, abuse, or depression, they weren’t ABLE, they weren’t capable of giving us what we needed in order for us  to feel loved, nurtured, and significant. We can’t truthfully hold our mother (or our father but we’ll save that for later) responsible for fulfilling their cultural and God given role as “nurturer” if they are ill equipped, or emotionally damaged.  Problem is, when we’re 7  years old, we can’t process all this psycho babble, we just know we need love and nurturing.  As adults one has to accept the “fact” that “mother” may not be able to give us what we need to survive.  If this is the situation, we must realize that God will provide.  God knows that we need “mothering” and He will provide, whether through another  surrogate “mother” ie. grandmother, aunt, friend, “sister,” or other relative.  One also has to recognize that we are “worthy” and valuable in the eyes of God REGARDLESS of the quality or amount of nurturing one received from “mother.”  Sometimes, “mother” may not have given us what we needed, but we are still worthy and valuable in the eyes of God.  We are sons and daughters of the Father, regardless of our connection with our natural “mother.”  If your mother is living, send her flowers……show that you love her, regardless of what she has given you……

Shady Maple also has a farm market which specialized in fresh produce, deli meat, beef, pork, chicken, at a fair price, and a variety of “country offerings” including a cheap lunch for under $4.  They often offered fresh grilled chicken and bar-b-q and chips with drink.  Hey, Kathy and I were the youngest patrons in the dining area.  We felt great. It boosted our ego.

Well, the modern world has taken over and invaded our simple, country, Lancaster brand living and shopping. Where are the Amish when you really need them?

I visited Shady Maple store today and was sorely disappointed.  They’ve remodeled the entire store.  We saw this happening gradually but did not understand the full impact until today when we viewed the final product.  This time of year, we’re usually greeted by the expansive tent protecting a large variety of seasonal garden plants, flowers, and hanging baskets with Amish clerks manning the cash register.  Cash only please. The entrance has completely been remodeled, re-routed, there is no tent, there is instead a skimpy selection of yellowing geraniums and droopy tomato plants on display within the narrow entrance hall.  Yuk.  Is this progress?  I hate it.  They have completely destroyed the ambiance of simplicity and replaced it with a “modern” touch devoid of my reality, of times past and provide an inferior quality of product.

I”ve reluctantly accepted this transition, although I’m convinced it’s  a negative step headed in the wrong direction, called progress.  Why can’t we leave some things alone? Why do we feel the need to tile, rearrange, carpet, update and destroy articles of the past?  I loved the simplicity and calmness of Shady Maple dressed in 70’s attire. It was a step back in time.  Unfortunately, it’s been retooled, remodeled, reshaped, and no longer resembles anything I recognize or admire.  Why do things have to be so complicated today?

Although they still sell many items in bulk such as cumin, cereal, spices, oats, and I can find collard greens, cilantro, lemons and limes at at good price, I doubt that Kathy and I will travel the inspirational 30 minutes west on 322 as often. What’s the point?

Wegman’s, which is 10 minutes from hour home actually has better prices and higher quality produce. Their fresh baked rosemary/olive oil loaf is warm to the touch when I pick it up. It’s to die for.

I’m sad.  I feel like I’ve lost a good friend.  Good bye Shady Maple….I’ll miss you.

I have often said I forgive you but even as I said these words, my heart remained angry or resentful.

I still wanted to hear the story that tells me that I was right after all; I still wanted to hear apologies and excuses.  I still wanted the satisfaction of receiving some praise in return.

But God’s forgiveness is unconditional; it comes from a heart that does not demand anything for itself, a heart that is completely empty of sell-seeking.

It is this divine forgiveness that I have to practice in my daily life.  It demands that I step over the wounded part of my heart that feels hurt and wronged and that wants to stay in control and put a few conditions between me and the one whom I as asked to forgive.

This stepping over is the authentic discipline of forgiveness.

This leads to instant gratification of impulsive cravings.  These “pleasure” chemicals mimic the cocaine “high.”  Many addictions (especially sexual addictions) stem from the fear of abandonment.  These individuals do not trust themselves or others.  They find comfort in their addictive, compulsive, and fantasy which is a false substitute for the true intimacy they are searching for.  In the past heard others and I myself have mistakenly made the statement about addicts, “why don’t they just stop?”  or “they could stop is they wanted to.”  Well, it’s more complicated than that.  The addictive behavior is only the symptom.  The behavior will continue until the root cause (eg fear of abandonment) is healed by God and/or through counseling and therapy.

For more information contact www.thepeacemakercenter.org or rwcreasy@gmail.com

I am not worthy of love.  I am not capable of getting the love I need without being angry and clingy.  Others are capabale of loving me but might not do so because of my flaws.  They might abandon me.  I am poor at getting the love I need and I must please my loved ones or I will be worthless and unlovable. 

The ambivalent attachment style often leads to unhealthy dependent relationships on others.  The framework of thinking that leads to dependency goes something like this;

I am incompetent. I struggle to handle things on my own.  I need strong protection.  The world is cold and dangerous.  I am flawed and on one could like me.   Every failure verifies I am flawed.  When someone rejects me, it proves I am flawed. 

Know someone like this?  It’s important to re-frame our thinking and realize that we are competent and we everyone has flaws.  Failures do not confirm a flaw.  It simply means that we have to try again.  It also means that this is not something inherently wrong with us but rather signals that we may have had one or more parents that were inconsistent in “being there” when we cried out for a safe harbor.  That’s not your fault.  It was something you needed as a child and didn’t receive.

In the avoidant style of relating, the child learns that he can’t depend on parents for a safe harbor. The child then develops a “survival” style of relating and develops self-talk that goes something like this:

I am capable of love, but others are not able to love me.  I am worthy based only on my accomplishments.  I depend on my own self and abilities in order to succeed.  Others are unwilling or unable to love me.  I must rely on self.  Others are not trustworthy, others are unreliable.

You can easily see that if one develops this framework of thinking, it will be devastating to relationships.  How can I relate to people when I have a deep mistrust of everyone?

If you recognize these traits and style of relating in your own life, you can re-frame to tell yourself the truth.  The truth is that “I couldn’t rely on my parents at times however, I can trust some people.  Everyone is not like my parents.  I am worthy in God’s eyes regardless of my accomplishments.  I will depend on God to provide direction and assistance.  I can trust God.  I may not have been able to trust or rely on my parent(s) but I can rely on God.

Often this framework of thinking has been in place for a number of years.  Reframing may be difficult and require intense practice, but the truth is….you can do it.

Be sure not to tell yourself you “don’t” when you do want it.  Be mindful not to accept “you can’t” when you know you can.  Pay attention to the excuses you make “not to”, when you know you must.  Don’t settle for less when you desire more.  No matter how hard you think it is, ask for what you need and what you want when you need it or want it.  Pay attention to the inner chatter which will take a temporary defense mechanism and turn it into a crutch.

Author Unknown

Now, compare and contrast what effect this self-talk would have on your entire emotional “feelings” compared to wallowing in the mire of your difficult circumstances.  By reframing your self-talk to view difficulties in this perspective, you’ll be able to remain in the present and avoid the mire of anger and depression.

Many people who have developed a framework of thinking since early childhood hold onto beliefs,  feelings, and ways of thinking regardless of the evidence to the contrary.  This faulty framework of thinking is also reinforced at times when events and appearances (standing on the shore and looking out at the horizon) seem to validate our “self-talk.”  I recently talked with a client who had been physically abused by his father beginning at around age 3.  It’s a long familiar story, and  you’ve probably heard it all before.  Years of abuse, neglect, and rejection led him to develop a survival personality marked by emotional distance, addictions, mistrust and suspicion of  ALL people.  No one should be trusted, everyone is out to get me,  I’m a loser, I’m stupid, I’m a failure and I’m never going to accomplish anything.  The paradox is, even in light of his extreme negative self talk, this client has a masters degree and has several attributes and gifts to be proud of.  Yes he is clinically depressed, displays some paranoia,and  has trouble establishing emotional intimacy and relationships.  If he can practice telling himself  “the earth is round” even though all of his life he’s been taught and believed “the earth is flat”  he’s going to experience emotional and spiritiual healing.  His own personal history provides  evidence that says he can establish intimacy, he can set a goal and reach it, he’s not stupid but actually has a very high IQ.  I’m currently working with him to re-frame his thinking and tell himself the truth.  The truth is, it feels like the earth is flat sometimes, but the fact is, its round.

Social anxiety along with the fear of negative evaluation can be detrimental to our interpersonal relationships not only with those we are meeting for the first time, but also with our spouse or significant others.  Excessive attempts to hide self whether consciously or subconsciously often prevent the emotional and spiritual intimacy that is vital to a successful marriage relationship.  This is often manifested as the inability or unwillingness to express opinions and diminished spontaneity. 

This system of beliefs is associated with self talk that goes something like this:  “Based on my experience, if people really knew me, they would reject me; Therefore, I will attempt to hide my true self and avoid scrutiny.” 

So what is the solution?  Tell yourself the truth about negative evaluation.  The truth is that sometimes others may have a negative evaluation of us.  The truth is that MOST of time MOST people are accepting and are not engaged in negative evaluation of us.  The truth is even if they do engage in negative evaluation of us it doesn’t necessarily mean  it’s justified or true. We can learn to view ourselves as unique creations of God with our own flaws, our own quirks and  come to realize everyone doesn’t always have to approve of us.  It’s OK.  Learn to tell your self  that “it’s ok.”

If you have additional questions or thoughts about this topic, drop me a line rwcreasy@gmail.com