“If my husband drags out the down comforter one more night, honestly I’m going to wring his neck.  I’ve put that thing up at least a dozen times since May but he keeps going into the attic and pulling it out again,” says Kathy Creasy of Chester County.  Others expressed concern about the elderly left in sweltering apartments with windows open, “I’m afraid if I leave the windows up, it might rain and blow water in on the carpet, I don’t understand why Obama doesn’t do something about it, after all, who’s looking out for the “little guy?”   Tax dollars that usually go to buy fans for the poor and elderly during excessive heat waves are now being shifted to pay for neighborhood watches patrolling neighborhoods making sure that windows are closed in the event of a sudden unexpected rain shower.

Small business store owners complain that sales of sun tan oil and sun screen are showing record losses.  “I look like an albino.  Never before have I been so pale looking.  Usually by now I have a dark rich, island tan.” says Clint Creasy and Jeremiah Wise who recently visited Wagon Town Water Park near Downingtown.  “Usually our shower gets hot immediately but now it takes a full 10 minutes to warm up, especially with our windows up,” says Lee and Sara of Malvern Pa. who continue to use heating oil  purchased at a discount  from Venezuela.

Weather forecasters and scientists are at a  loss for explanation but speculate that it may have something to do with the decrease use of ethanol as a gasoline additive which is decreasing our carbon footprint in the corn fields of Nebraska while expanding the ozone hole in the earth’s atmosphere near Al Gore’s modest ranch.  The five day forcast calls for temperatures  to remain the low 60′s.  Obama has promised to appoint a new Weather Czar to review the situation.

You’d think if they had to travel these same roads they’d figure it out.  I’ve decided they’ll never do anything about it unless…unless we can tie this delimma into global warming.  That’s right, you heard it.  Delaying traffic like this only causes a larger  carbon footprint by increasing green house gases, increases deadly fossil fuel consumption, and destroys the ozone layer, which destroys rainforests, which causes the US to experience the coldest winter on record, which causes Philadelphia to have April, May and June “gloom”, overcast skies, and torrential rains for the past 40 days.  There, you have it.  Perhaps now BO will take action and appoint a traffic “czar” to mandate government controlled traffic lights which are coordinated to allow government owned cars to easily pass through our suburbs, towns, and cities.

New homes “with slanted roofs,” for instance, will be required to meet a “solar reflectance” standard if they use “fiberglass asphalt-shingle roofing.” We’re not sure what that means either, but we do know that everything in homes will also face new efficiency regulations — including furnaces, laundry machines, dishwashers, “showerheads, faucets, water closets, and urinals,” even (or especially?) jacuzzis.

One of the more revealing sections focuses on products “intended for a general service or general illumination application” — i.e., lights. This isn’t surprising coming from the politicians who decided in 2007 that the public must be protected from the incandescent lightbulb, but it is excruciatingly detailed. By 2020, “the manufacture of any general service lamp that does not meet a minimum efficacy standard” will be prohibited. That includes fixtures “designed only to be mounted directly to an art work and for the purpose of illuminating that art work.” But not “decorative lighting strings,” so Christmas trees will escape the lamp police. For now.

Environmental Protection Agency chief Lisa Jackson probably won’t be conducting the raids personally, though we trust she’ll enjoy hearing war stories about busting up the “high-intensity discharge lamp” ring back at HQ.

On that score, as early as next week the EPA will classify carbon as a dangerous pollutant under current clear-air laws, prompting a separate avalanche of new regulations. Mr. Waxman must be jealous, considering that the EPA staff wants to regulate — among literally everything that produces CO2 — “lawn and garden equipment” and “enteric fermentation” in livestock, otherwise known as flatulence.

The Obama Administration claims it is flirting with this “endangerment finding” and the economic havoc it would wreak only to force Congress into falling in line with its climate agenda. But if Democrats ever do get around to passing an anticarbon bill, Waxman-Markey is the going favorite, and so Americans should begin to understand the micromanagement over their daily lives that Congress has in store. All you have to do is read Mr. Waxman’s plan.