Self Talk Analysis » Spiritual

How Are Your Decision Making Skills?

rwcreasy — Mon, 14 Feb 2011 18:14:54 +0000

Often when talking with “leaders,” husbands, wives, or parents, who are experiencing problems, difficulties, road blocks, resistance, revolts, failures, disappointments, or other catastrophe’s, it often can be traced back to making a poor decision.

Some questions to consider: What is your process for making decisions? Do you have a process? How do you decide whether or not to purchase a washer and dryer? Whirlpool or Maytag, Lexus or Volkswagon? Are you a leader? Pastor? Business Owner? Parent? Are you aware that decisions have long lasting effects on the future, the flock, our finances, our spouse, children, patrons and a host of other people as a result?

Poor decisions and undesirable outcomes are often the result of making decisions without obtaining information and data necessary to make a wise decision. Poor decisions are usually made without obtaining advice from those who are directly effected by the decision, procrastinating and not making a decision at all, or failing to communicate or implement the decision. When we procrastinate and fail to make a decision, we actually make a decision; the decision to do nothing. At times, the decision to do nothing can be an effective decision. It’s important to understand that doing nothing, is a decision. Will doing nothing help accomplish your goals?

Having a process in place for making decisions is essential. Your team, parishioners, family, and those involved with implementing decisions need to understand what the process is. Otherwise, decisions just seem to happen….or not……in “back rooms,” conference rooms or hallways. Without an established process in place, clear decisions are rarely made, they’re poorly communicated, and usually shoddily implemented. Results? You’re unhappy because those who are “supposed” to implement the decision didn’t know about it, weren’t asked about, aren’t “on-board with it,” and they are disgruntled because they don’t feel involved or communicated with.

Decisions should not be made without involving the appropriate advisors, and people who have knowledge and wisdom related to the decision to be made. Advisors may be financial experts, spouses, Consumer Reports, lawyers, doctors, lay-people, peers, engineers, builders, children, scientists, counselors, anyone who has knowledge, experience, or who will ultimately be effected by the decision. Decisions should not be made in the vacuum of your office or your “head.” I’m always a little amazed and stunned when counseling with leaders (or spouses) who are simply reaping the rewards of a decision(s) made without any input or “advice” from those who have wisdom, experience, or those effected by the decision. It’s always a source of anger, disrespect, and a host of other negative feelings when decisions are made without obtaining “buy-in” or advice, from others expected to implement or live with the decision.

Summary

In order to make the “best” decision:

Establish and publish a process for making decisions. Frame the decision correctly. What exactly is being decided? (This is not as easy as it sounds) Who is going to make the final decision?
Obtain adequate input from “advisors” who can bring expertise or experience to the debate.

Identify a number of viable options. There are ALWAYS options. There is never only one option for a decision.

Consider the pros and cons of various options. Make a list and compare benefits vs disadvantages for each of the viable options.

Make a decision. Yes make a decision.

Communicate the decision to all parties.

Now, what if you have made a poor decision in the past and would like to correct it? I’ll address that questions in the near future.

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Share in Humanity

rwcreasy — Wed, 02 Feb 2011 01:31:32 +0000

The older I get (maturity yanno), the more people I counsel, with every person I get to know in a deeper, closer way, the more I’m convinced we’re all messed up to one degree or another. Once you get past the veneers, the facades, the masks, have you ever met anyone who was not wounded in some way by a delusional, angry, mother, abusive father, weird relative, peer, spouse, teacher, pastor, priest, church, or boss? I haven’t. But if you’re like me, we tend to look at other people and say, “they have it all together.” “Why can’t I be like them?”

I recently attended a Christian men’s retreat designed to address a man’s shame, anger, loss, guilt, and fear. The transparency from each man was astonishing and refreshing. I met a young man that looked “so together” on the outside. He was well dressed, friendly, and had a charismatic personality. I sat across from him at lunch one day and we’d never met. I wanted to make small talk. I started to ask him about his family, how long had he been married, did he have children. I wondered. He began to share that he had struggled with a gruesome past of meth addiction, same sex attraction, and was HIV positive. But he was seeking God through prayer and felt that because of his early childhood sexual abuse, he had become confused about his masculinity and who he was in Christ. He did not want to live the gay lifestyle and had attended the Marked Men For Christ retreat to receive spiritual help for his struggles. He had great faith and stated that he believed God could heal him of his infection. At first he was taking 10-12 different pills, now he was taking only one pill, and believed that God had protected his life. I met other men over the course of the weekend who were fighting various addictions and problems that were hindering them from becoming all that God had intended. Former inmates, drug addicts, men who had been shamed by their parents, abused by siblings or other relatives, men who had committed adultery, all seeking help, forgiveness, and healing for their wounds and immobilizing fear. All were repentant. Were these people who would stand out in a crowd? Did they look weird? Sound or talk differently? Dress oddly? Not at all. They are God’s children just like you and me. The “guy” next door.

You have your personal struggles, and I have mine. Admit it. Look, we all have issues and wounds from the past that God is wanting to heal and restore completely. We are all “children” walking a mine field of life’s jagged journey. Your journey will be different than mine but we’re connected by our common humanity and frailty. Sometimes the journey gets tough, it’s painful, tragic, and contorted. Yet we share our humanity and are connected by our fallen, at times frail flesh. I’m more convinced than ever that we are so “fallen” and so “flesh” like, so needy, that whether one believes in God or not, only a divine, all knowing, all powerful entity or deity could save us from our “fallen-ness.”

Now, go hug a friend, make a phone call, reach out, extend a hand, let someone know that you care about them. I promise it will be therapeutic ….for both of you.

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Quick Trip The Past

rwcreasy — Sat, 11 Dec 2010 23:01:56 +0000

It’s amazing what observations can be made during a treadmill run at the Y. I’m facing the clear glass spying the parking lot to help pass time during the painful torture of staying fit. I know it’s almost 9 am because minivans are rolling in and the lot is buzzing with parents and kids making their way into the gym for Saturday morning pee wee basketball. Single moms, single dads, grandparents, mom and dad seem to be on a mission as they file into the gym.

Some kids eagerly run ahead, excited about the challenge ahead. One mom carries her 3 year old daughter in her arms as brother lags some distance behind with an anxious look on his face. Reluctance. Clad in crinkled gym shorts, Y tee shirt, and size 6 tennis shoes, they are wondering, “Can I do it? “Can I make mom and dad proud?” “Can I really dribble down the court?” “Hope I don’t trip today.” The orange rim goal looms overhead twice their height. It requires both arms to lunge the massive ball onto the glass backboard. The giant sphere swishes the net….. falling short of the rim.

I walk by the glass enclosed play area and a camera flash goes off as memories are collected for bragging rights later. As rubber soles slide across the shiny polished wood floors, friction squeaks are heard above loud parents yelling, “Go girl!” “Way to go!” “Come on, move it!” Controlled chaos. Herding cats. “Over here!” “Shoot!” A friendly ref blows the whistle and calls it out of bounds. He points in the opposite direction.

It’s become an American ritual. Every Saturday morning, families of all colors, shapes, sizes, make their way to the soccer fields, baseball and football fields marking spring, fall, and winter. Summertime is reserved for swim teams.

Yea I remember when. My oldest just turned 29 yesterday. Once my 2 boys grew up, it was a couple of years before I could drive past an empty soccer field without getting a lump in my throat. That seems like a long time ago. But for some reason, today’s blast to the past makes it seem as only yesterday. Saturday mornings at the Y and to the various sport’s fields filled each Saturday. Late lunches at Joe and Mima’s with great cheese stake sandwiches or chicken wings at Old Country Buffet. Crash Saturday night during a card game with friends.

Yea, I remember it all. If your kids are grown like mine, then take some time out to sit and remember these rituals of parenting. If you’re not there yet, you’re not married or you don’t have kids, then you have more to look forward to. If you’re there now, savor it. Don’t rush. Don’t wish it away. Get present. Be aware when holding your son’s hand as you march defiantly into the gym on that cold December morning. Notice your little girl’s stride as she attacks the ball mid court. It will pass soon enough. There’s only a few more trips to the soccer field. The days are numbered. It is a spectacular journey.

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Ben Franklin and Neil Young Would Be Proud

rwcreasy — Tue, 02 Nov 2010 22:49:58 +0000

We drove to the local firehall today just as we’ve done so many times before on this crisp, fall, November morning. We made our way past the cluttered campaign signs and a few cheery poll workers offering their last minute hand shakes and tired, somewhat forced smiles. We slowly make our way over to the table marked A-M. “Creasy, C R E A S Y.” We autographed the small space and moved to the next station. An elderly man handed us our paper ballot and pointed us in the direction of the small, dimly lit voting booth that reminded me of those that protect the contestants on final Jeopardy from sneaking a peek.

I notice a lump in my throat. What is it? How does one describe the feeling that only manifests and is only noticeable in the polling place each first Tuesday in November? Is it just pride in our country? Is it an unconscious “knowing” that we are free citizens and can make a difference to protect the republic by voting that suddenly breaks the surface of our conscious realm of thinking? Does this reentry into consciousness strike an emotional chord that often goes unnoticed during the routine of our daily existence? I describe this as a sacredness. It’s a feeling of reverence and deep respect for the privilege of expressing our voice in how we are governed.

I’d like to borrow from Neil Young, a school history teacher in Chester Co. Pennsylvania to elaborate.

As one story goes, Benjamin Franklin emerged from Independence Hall and was asked by a lady, “Sir, what have you given us?”; to which he replied, “A republic ma’m, if you can keep it.”

Every time I read that quote, I wonder what Governor Franklin meant by it. The obvious answer lies in the fact that the burden of keeping a republic ultimately lies with the voting public. However I believe that this cryptic, backhanded, and off the cuff comment was Franklin’s way of expressing just how difficult it is to maintain a republic.

The United States officially recognizes 194 countries around the world and of those around 40 are recognized as dictatorships. That would leave over 150 countries operating in varying degrees as republics. Despite their best efforts, many of those republics are perilously close to slipping back into despotism.

There are many difficulties with placing power in the hands of the people, but two causes will crumble a republic more often anything else. First is a countries inability to host free and fair elections. Elections run with minimum corruption and fraud, and where citizens are safe and informed to cast their ballot in secret. This is no small task. In Afghanistan’s last election, the U.N estimates that about 60% of votes were fraudulent. Votes were either forged or simply discarded. Citizens were either intimidated or attacked. As a result Afghanistan now has a president that few citizens can put their trust in. Ironically enough it seems that the less equipped a country is to deal with an election, the more hungry it’s people are to let their voices be heard. There are many reports that the Taliban cut off the pinky fingers of those who voted, yet voter turnout in Afghanistan was likely three times that of the U.S midterm elections.

I took my marked ballot and fed it gently into the machine resembling a cross between a paper shredder and printer, which gobbled it up. I carefully noticed the counted ballots number changed from 214 to 215.

Yep, that’s it. Now I feel like I’ve done all that I can do to make a difference and protect the republic. Ben would be proud.

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My Political Framework of Thinking

rwcreasy — Sat, 03 Apr 2010 23:39:51 +0000

Experiences of childhood affects many facets of our adult life. Recently I was thinking about my political beliefs of limited government and my dislike for government expansion with entitlement programs.

I grew up in a middle class neighborhood. My parents did not have a lot of money, they never gave me a lot of money, but growing up, I never did without the basics. Sure, I would have liked to have been given additional spending money to purchase more clothes, Beatles albums, ballgame tickets, swimming club memberships, junk food, you get the picture.

My parents and grandparents grew a lot of our food in vegetable gardens. We ate them fresh from the garden in the summer, and out of jars and freezer bags in the winter. My grandparents kept the neighborhood supplied with plenty of fresh vegetables. If there was a need that my family was aware of, they tried to take care of it. My parents and grandparents have given money, taken food in, and helped anyway they could where there was a need.

Except for an occasional “to go” order at Krystal Hamburger, and later KFC, I never remember a single time our family went into a restaurant to eat a meal. It was considered too expensive and we ate home cooked meals instead. The first time I actually remember eating at a restaurant was after church on Sunday night at Shoney’s, I was probably 14 years old. I ordered their onion rings and I still recall they cost $.50. It seemed very expensive to me because that’s all the money I had that night. (they were delicious)

A few members of our extended family received government food either free or at reduced costs. We didn’t have food stamps then but they were referred to as “commodities.” My immediate family never turned to the government for assistance.

Instead, my mother took on babysitting jobs for the neighbor down the street (she also held other part-time jobs from time to time) and my father worked 2 jobs. Instead of working normal hours (8 am till 5 pm) he worked the 4-11 shift at Ford Glass plant (because it paid a little more money), got up the next morning and painted houses until time to head back to the plant. Didn’t need government assistance.

I was taught to value savings and hard work. My grandparents took me to Home Federal Savings and Loan bank to start an account when I was too short to stand at the counter without a step stool. I never saw a credit card until I went to college. I wasn’t even sure how they worked. I never had a credit card until after I graduated. If my parents couldn’t pay for it by the end of the month, they didn’t buy it. It’s that simple. Get it? No credit debt.

My grandmother knew the head cook at the local “burger” shop and got me a job washing dishes when I was actually under age, I was 15. During that time period I caddied on weekends at the Old Hickory Golf Club. I walked from my grandparent’s house to the golf course on Saturday and Sunday mornings at 5 am to get in line with the other guys looking for work. I’d walk home late that evening with about $20 in my pocket. Felt like a millionaire. Didn’t need government assistance.

I won’t bore you with the details, but subsequent years were similar. I had a job during most of my high school years, and I worked during College. My parents and grandparents paid for my college tuition. There was no government assistance.

So this is a small snapshot into my early years that shaped how I view the world today. The idea of turning to the government for anything is completely foreign to me. The idea of depending on the government for financial assistance is completely foreign to my way of thinking. If you need something, then work for it. If you can’t obtain it that way, then pray for it and God will provide it. I often think, if I can do this, if my mother and father could do it, then others can do it as well.

I recognize a role for limited government to help provide social assistance. But government is currently too big, too inefficient, mismanaged, abused and out of control.

If my government can keep the roads paved (which they often don’t) and our country safe from attack, maintain a strong infrastructure, keep our water, food, and pharmaceuticals safe, then I’ll be content for now.

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Love in the Supermarket

rwcreasy — Mon, 08 Mar 2010 22:06:44 +0000

Now that I’m “retired” from my regular day job, I’m on different routines. For example, I might be at the grocery store during the day instead of on the weekend or at night as was the case today, after returning home from vacation, our cupboards were bear. I got up later than usual and started to the gym. Traffic patterns are different at 8 am vs 5 am. No joke. School buses and school mom’s tried to kill me several times with their unexpected starts and stops. At 5 am, there is no traffic to speak of, so I had the road to myself, but not so at 8am. The gym is a bee hive at 8am compared to the 10 of us there at 5am.

So now, I’m off to the store. Ok, first lesson, never, never shop at Wegmans on Monday mornings. Their cupboards are also bear from the ransacking they took over the weekend. The collard greens were yellow (for you yankees, they’re supposed to be bright verdant green), No tomato sauce, or fresh grapefruit juice either. Enough, you get the picture. So now I notice there are only two categories of people in the entire store; either the very old with grey hair ( I guess I qualify now), or young mothers with kids in shopping carts which look like model airplanes. It’s dodge cars as you’ve never seen it (remember the dodge cars at the state fairs? The ones which have the electric sparking cable attached to the ceiling?) Well that’s what its like. Several grandmothers were nearly ran over by moms rushing for the blue light special in the opposite corner of the store. Wild as usual.

But what got my attention and brought me back to the present, a very enjoyable moment of course, was the red faced toddler standing up in the shopping cart (designed to look like a model airplane) who was announcing his unhappiness to the entire produce section. Then I watched as the mom, bend over, without effort and softly plant a “mothers” kiss to his sweaty forehead. It was magical and facinating to see the calming effect of …what else…LOVE. The tears dried up, and a big smile came on his smudged face. See what a kiss can do? Find the one you love right now and go plant a kiss on their cheek and see what happens…..

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Healing of Addictions

rwcreasy — Sat, 20 Feb 2010 17:22:36 +0000

II Corinthians 4:16-17 encourages us to not lose heart or become discouraged even though our outer man is decaying, our inner man is being renewed each day. It’s a daily “process” in which light affliction is producing for us an eternal weight of glory far beyond all comparison.

God seems to transform and bring healing to us in at least two distinct ways; an instantaneous miracle, or through a process of peeling back multiple layers of spiritual, emotional, and psychological walls, often compared to “peeling an onion.” This latter process usually occurs over extended periods of time often requiring years or even a lifetime to accomplish.

In my experience with counseling those struggling with sexual addictions and sexual sins, transforming healing and freedom occurs during a process over time. I’ve also observed this “healing process” with drug addictions as well. During the process there are often “slip-ups” where the person who has resolved never to go back, never to “use” again, returns to use the drug or view the pornography once more.

While we know that God has the power to instantly heal and bring recovery, I believe he uses this restorative process over time to vividly demonstrate the destructive, deadly, consequences that sin brings not only to the individual but to family and friends surrounding the person. It helps one to realize the “awfulness” of the sin which drives us to our knees in daily submission and supplication to our Father for help. The process also reveals to us the magnificence and depth of His grace when we are totally and completely dependent on God for deliverance. Remember God spoke to Paul about his struggles and said “my grace is sufficient.” God did not instantly bring healing or restoration to Paul regarding the “thorn in the flesh.” I believe he wanted to use this opportunity to demonstrate his grace and power in Paul’s life.

The story of Joseph in Genesis perfectly describes a healing process. God could have instantly taken revenge on the brothers who tried to kill Joseph. He could have made Joseph ruler in Egypt at any time. But he didn’t. We’re provided a narrative that tells of how Joseph was left for dead, slandered, accused of rape, and imprisoned before being placed in authority to save his family. It was a process. All the evil that was hoisted upon Joseph, God turned it around and made something beautiful and good that saved his entire family from death.

Genesis 50:20 You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.

Look at the process that God took Abraham and Sara through. Why didn’t God just give them a son during their youthful years? Why did he wait 100 years before giving them a child? It was through this extended period of time that Abraham proved his faith and God demonstrated his powerful hand to accomplish what he promised he would.

I believe God can take the evil that haunts and seeks to destroy our lives and make something good from it. Addictive behaviors are always the tip of the iceberg. It’s what we observe from the outside. God wants to uncover the often hidden root causes, the emotional and psychological wounds, unforgiveness, anger, self reliance and pride, that support and give way to the addictive behaviors. True restoration, freedom and healing from these types of wounds will take time to explore and allow the Holy Spirit to reveal new insights within our hearts which will bring lasting transformation.

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Christmas Joy

rwcreasy — Thu, 24 Dec 2009 17:15:05 +0000

If you are reading this entry, you’re probably well informed about the meaning of Christmas. In all likelihood you could recite most of the New Testament Scriptures that reveal the mystery and divinity surrounding the birth of Christ. As Christians, we’re all aware of the of the significance of Savior, Prince of Peace, Reigning King, coming to earth and beginning life in such a lowly place as a stable for animals. Through the years, it has become increasingly more difficult to remain focused and intent on keeping Christ at the center of this celebration. We’re all easily torn away from the core of the birth celebration, by the commercialization that seems to be hoisted upon us each Christmas season. The attack by retailers usually begins now in early October before the Halloween goblins have had a chance beg for candy. We’re over worked, over shopped, over wrapped, over mailed, over UPSed, over FedExed, over cooked, over fed, over weight, and of course over decorated. For who? For what? We lose sight so easily of what it’s all about to begin with. I don’t have to tell you that the Spirit of Christ is one of love, giving, redemption and restoration. If we are traveling at light speed through this “Holy Day” season without slowing down long enough to offer love, giving, forgiveness, and restoration then we’ve missed the point entirely. All the gifts, shopping, food, travel, cards, are only sentimental trappings without the deep inward peace of Christ and will accomplish nothing. This is why depression, suicide, anxiety, family arguments and division are so common during this time of year. I encourage you to tell yourself the truth about what Christmas is all about. Once you get that clear in your head, much of the rest will low naturally out of a heart at peace with the Savior of the World spreading much joy!

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Finish Strong

rwcreasy — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 14:36:34 +0000

In 2000 Kathy and I sponsored about 20 youth from our church on a mission team to Puebla Mexico which is approximately 40 miles east of Mexico City. We conducted “vacation bible school” for about 200 or so kids. The “VBS” included a music band, parties, arts, crafts, games, and of course a Bible story. The team engaged in a service project at the local orphanage school which involved fun activities for the children in the orphanage and some grooming and clean up of the property. The out buildings were somewhat “run- down” and there was a lot of clutter on the play ground. We mowed, chopped, removed weeds, stumps, bushes, and old sheds from the property. We repaired swing sets, basketball courts, back boards, and replaced rims and nets. We repaired the volley ball court and soccer field.

Puebla Mexico is a beautiful city high in the mountains with an elevation of over 7000 ft. When we first arrived several of us became sick and nauseated (use your imagination). We at first attributed this to unclean food or impure water. After doing some research we discovered that it was neither. The cause was altitude sickness. Altitude sickness is a reaction of the body to suddenly experiencing very high altitudes which have less oxygen. This sickness mimics a flu like syndrome of body aches, head aches, and nausea (use your imagination.) Any type of physical activity, walking up a hill, carrying heavy material, running, pushing, pulling, climbing, exacerbates altitude sickness. The bottom line is, we were very tired. This was our last day and we were trying to complete the projects at the orphanage we had started. I was really dragging (I was the oldest one there so have some sympathy). We were just finishing mounting the new basketball rim and backboard when one of the ministers with us murmered, ”finish strong.” We actually began to pray that we would finish strong. The two words, finish strong, began to echo in my ears over and over again. It gave me the inspiration to pick myself up and get back to work so that we could complete the tasks which would make the orphanage a little brighter for the children.

Even though it’s been years since our trip, I am often reminded of those words, “finish strong” especially when I’m tired and just want to quit. It might be a large project at home or work, or often it’s at the gym and I’m trying to complete my 3rd mile on the treadmill. I have a still small voice in my head that whispers “finish strong.” Usually I am able to pick up my speed just a little and complete my goal.

This week for Thanksgiving, we are visiting Kathy’s mom in Tennessee and I always go to their YMCA (which is a fabulous place) for my work out and daily run. This morning I was running on a treadmill facing the parking lot looking out on the gray damp morning. It was about 7 am, and I was nearing the completion of my second mile. As I looked out toward the parking lot and up the sidewalk leading to the front door of the Y, I caught a glimpse of a little old lady, with thinning silver hair, stooped over with osteoporosis, slowly, yet deliberately, hobbling into the gym using her walking cane. Yup you may have guessed it, the little old lady was Kathy’s 87 year old mother.

The picture was a woman fiercely pushing onward, to finish strong with great determination. Intentionally moving forward, never giving up, NEVER, she lives her life to it’s fullest, set and determined to finish strong. What a role model, what an example, what a heritage for Kathy and my boys.

I finished my workout, hit the shower and as I walked out through the lobby, I peered through the window to the glass covered swimming area and noticed a little silver haired head bobbing up and down, up and down in the swimming pool. Actually, there were several silver heads bobbing up and down creating small ripples in the huge pool of blue shimmering water. Grandmother Howard seemed to be enjoying the excercise with a small cadre of her peers who also have made the decision to finish strong. A decision they will never regret.

When you’re tempted to “throw in the towel,” when you’re tired and you really don’t want to continue, remember that you too can determine and purpose to FINISH STRONG.

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The Neurobiology of Addictions

rwcreasy — Fri, 23 Oct 2009 00:07:58 +0000

Yup you read it right. Neurobiology is a big word for how the brain works. Addictions are those things we can’t stop doing because it feels good. Sexual arousal parallels that of cocaine in its relationship to “pleasure” chemicals in the brain (dopamine for those of you with inquiring minds). Studies show that as far as the brain is concerned, a reward is a reward, whether it’s food, sex, porn, gambling (gamblin for those of you in Tennessee), or shopping. Due to an impaired functioning of certain parts of the brain (frontal cortex for those of you with inquiring minds), individuals with addictions are not able to objectively judge the dangers, risks, or negative impact of their behavior.

This leads to instant gratification of impulsive cravings. These “pleasure” chemicals mimic the cocaine “high.” Many addictions (especially sexual addictions) stem from the fear of abandonment. These individuals do not trust themselves or others. They find comfort in their addictive, compulsive, and fantasy which is a false substitute for the true intimacy they are searching for. In the past heard others and I myself have mistakenly made the statement about addicts, “why don’t they just stop?” or “they could stop is they wanted to.” Well, it’s more complicated than that. The addictive behavior is only the symptom. The behavior will continue until the root cause (eg fear of abandonment) is healed by God and/or through counseling and therapy.

For more information contact www.thepeacemakercenter.org or rwcreasy@gmail.com

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