Many clients (especially men) seeking help for depression, anger, or personality disorders, often describe their mother as cold, depressed, unavailable, ambivalent, distant, burdened, intimidated, lonely, and often a victim of abuse themselves.  The abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual in nature.  One must tell “self” the truth about our mothers in terms of their personal history, their struggles, and their emotional health in order for us to have peace and healthy emotional feelings.  Sometimes clients place the same expectations on their mother which may have severe emotional baggage and limitations, as those dream girls we see on TV, June Cleaver, Margaret Anderson, (Father Knows Best) Clair Huxtable, Harriet Nelson, and you get the picture.  But the truth often includes the fact that our mothers may have been a victim of abuse, and suffered severe mental disorders such as depression, anxiety, or a personality disorder.  The truth is, if our mother suffered from a mental disorder, abuse, or depression, they weren’t ABLE, they weren’t capable of giving us what we needed in order for us  to feel loved, nurtured, and significant. We can’t truthfully hold our mother (or our father but we’ll save that for later) responsible for fulfilling their cultural and God given role as “nurturer” if they are ill equipped, or emotionally damaged.  Problem is, when we’re 7  years old, we can’t process all this psycho babble, we just know we need love and nurturing.  As adults one has to accept the “fact” that “mother” may not be able to give us what we need to survive.  If this is the situation, we must realize that God will provide.  God knows that we need “mothering” and He will provide, whether through another  surrogate “mother” ie. grandmother, aunt, friend, “sister,” or other relative.  One also has to recognize that we are “worthy” and valuable in the eyes of God REGARDLESS of the quality or amount of nurturing one received from “mother.”  Sometimes, “mother” may not have given us what we needed, but we are still worthy and valuable in the eyes of God.  We are sons and daughters of the Father, regardless of our connection with our natural “mother.”  If your mother is living, send her flowers……show that you love her, regardless of what she has given you……

God seems to transform and bring healing to us in at least two distinct ways;  an instantaneous miracle, or through a process of peeling back multiple layers of spiritual, emotional, and psychological walls, often compared to “peeling an onion.”  This latter process usually occurs over extended periods of time often requiring years or even a lifetime to accomplish.

In my experience with counseling those struggling with sexual addictions and sexual sins, transforming healing and freedom occurs during a process over time.  I’ve also observed this “healing process” with drug addictions as well. During the process there are often “slip-ups” where the person who has resolved never to go back, never to “use” again, returns to use the drug or view the pornography once more.

While we know that God has the power to instantly heal and bring recovery, I believe he uses this restorative process over time to vividly demonstrate the destructive, deadly, consequences that sin brings not only to the individual but to family and friends surrounding the person.  It helps one to realize the “awfulness” of the sin which drives us to our knees in daily submission and supplication to our Father for help.  The process also reveals to us the magnificence and depth of His grace when we are  totally and completely dependent on God for deliverance.  Remember God spoke to Paul about his struggles and said “my grace is sufficient.” God did not instantly bring healing or restoration to Paul regarding the “thorn in the flesh.”  I believe he wanted to use this opportunity to demonstrate his grace and power in Paul’s life.

The story of Joseph in Genesis perfectly describes a healing process.  God could have instantly taken revenge on the brothers who tried to kill Joseph.  He could have made Joseph ruler in Egypt at any time.  But he didn’t.  We’re provided a narrative that tells of how Joseph was left for dead, slandered, accused of rape, and  imprisoned before being placed in authority to save his family.  It was a process.  All the evil that was hoisted upon Joseph, God turned it around and made something beautiful and good that saved his entire family from death.

Genesis 50:20 You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.

Look at the process that God took Abraham and Sara through.  Why didn’t God just give them a son during their youthful years?  Why did he wait 100 years before giving them a child?  It was through this extended period of time that Abraham proved his faith and God demonstrated his powerful hand to accomplish what he promised he would.

I believe God can take the evil that haunts and seeks to destroy our lives and make something good from it.  Addictive behaviors are always the tip of the iceberg.  It’s what we observe from the outside. God wants to uncover the often hidden root causes, the emotional and psychological wounds, unforgiveness, anger, self reliance and pride, that support and give way to the addictive behaviors.  True restoration, freedom and healing from these types of wounds will take time to explore and allow the Holy Spirit to reveal new insights within our hearts which will bring lasting transformation.

Transcript (not verbatim) below:

I have often said I forgive you but even as I said these words, my heart remained angry or resentful.

I still wanted to hear the story that tells me that I was right after all; I still wanted to hear apologies and excuses.  I still wanted the satisfaction of receiving some praise in return.

But God’s forgiveness is unconditional; it comes from a heart that does not demand anything for itself, a heart that is completely empty of sell-seeking.

It is this divine forgiveness that I have to practice in my daily life.  It demands that I step over the wounded part of my heart that feels hurt and wronged and that wants to stay in control and put a few conditions between me and the one whom I as asked to forgive.

This stepping over is the authentic discipline of forgiveness.

Puebla  Mexico is a beautiful city high in the mountains with an elevation of over 7000 ft.  When we first arrived several of us became sick and nauseated (use your imagination).  We at first attributed this to unclean food or impure water.  After doing some research we discovered  that it was neither.  The cause was altitude sickness.  Altitude sickness is a reaction of the body to suddenly experiencing very high altitudes which have less oxygen.  This sickness mimics a flu like syndrome of body aches, head aches, and nausea (use your imagination.)  Any type of physical activity, walking up a hill, carrying heavy material, running, pushing, pulling, climbing, exacerbates altitude sickness.  The bottom line is,  we were very tired.  This was our last day and we were trying to complete the projects at the orphanage we had started.  I was really dragging (I was the oldest one there so have some sympathy).  We were just finishing mounting the new basketball rim and backboard when one of the ministers with us murmered,  ”finish strong.”  We actually began to pray that we would finish strong.  The two words, finish strong, began to echo  in my ears over and over again.  It gave me the inspiration to pick myself up and get back to work so that we could complete the tasks which would make the orphanage a little brighter for the children. 

Even though it’s been years since our trip, I am often reminded of those words, “finish strong”  especially when I’m tired and just want to quit.  It might be a large project at home or work,  or often it’s at the gym and I’m trying to complete my 3rd mile on the treadmill.  I have a still small voice in my head  that whispers “finish strong.”  Usually I am able to pick up my speed just a little and complete my goal. 

This week for Thanksgiving, we are visiting Kathy’s mom in Tennessee and I always go to their YMCA (which is a fabulous place) for my work out and daily run.  This morning I was running on a treadmill facing the parking lot looking out on the gray damp morning.  It was about 7 am, and I was nearing the completion of my second mile.  As I looked out toward the parking lot and up the sidewalk leading to the front door of the Y, I caught a glimpse of a little old lady, with thinning silver hair, stooped over with osteoporosis,  slowly, yet deliberately,  hobbling into the gym using her walking cane.  Yup you may have guessed it, the little old lady was Kathy’s 87 year old mother. 

The picture was a woman fiercely pushing onward,  to finish strong with great determination.  Intentionally moving forward, never giving up, NEVER, she lives her life to it’s fullest, set and determined to finish strong.  What a role model, what an example, what a heritage for Kathy and my boys. 

I finished my workout, hit the shower and as I walked out through the lobby, I peered  through the window to  the glass covered swimming area and noticed a little silver haired head bobbing up and down, up and down  in the swimming pool. Actually, there were several silver  heads bobbing up and down creating small ripples in the huge pool of blue shimmering water.   Grandmother Howard seemed to be enjoying the excercise with a small cadre of her peers who also have made the decision to finish strong.  A decision they will never regret.

When you’re tempted to “throw in the towel,” when you’re tired and you really don’t want to continue, remember that you too can determine and purpose  to FINISH STRONG.

This leads to instant gratification of impulsive cravings.  These “pleasure” chemicals mimic the cocaine “high.”  Many addictions (especially sexual addictions) stem from the fear of abandonment.  These individuals do not trust themselves or others.  They find comfort in their addictive, compulsive, and fantasy which is a false substitute for the true intimacy they are searching for.  In the past heard others and I myself have mistakenly made the statement about addicts, “why don’t they just stop?”  or “they could stop is they wanted to.”  Well, it’s more complicated than that.  The addictive behavior is only the symptom.  The behavior will continue until the root cause (eg fear of abandonment) is healed by God and/or through counseling and therapy.

For more information contact www.thepeacemakercenter.org or rwcreasy@gmail.com

I am not worthy of love.  I am not capable of getting the love I need without being angry and clingy.  Others are capabale of loving me but might not do so because of my flaws.  They might abandon me.  I am poor at getting the love I need and I must please my loved ones or I will be worthless and unlovable. 

The ambivalent attachment style often leads to unhealthy dependent relationships on others.  The framework of thinking that leads to dependency goes something like this;

I am incompetent. I struggle to handle things on my own.  I need strong protection.  The world is cold and dangerous.  I am flawed and on one could like me.   Every failure verifies I am flawed.  When someone rejects me, it proves I am flawed. 

Know someone like this?  It’s important to re-frame our thinking and realize that we are competent and we everyone has flaws.  Failures do not confirm a flaw.  It simply means that we have to try again.  It also means that this is not something inherently wrong with us but rather signals that we may have had one or more parents that were inconsistent in “being there” when we cried out for a safe harbor.  That’s not your fault.  It was something you needed as a child and didn’t receive.

In the avoidant style of relating, the child learns that he can’t depend on parents for a safe harbor. The child then develops a “survival” style of relating and develops self-talk that goes something like this:

I am capable of love, but others are not able to love me.  I am worthy based only on my accomplishments.  I depend on my own self and abilities in order to succeed.  Others are unwilling or unable to love me.  I must rely on self.  Others are not trustworthy, others are unreliable.

You can easily see that if one develops this framework of thinking, it will be devastating to relationships.  How can I relate to people when I have a deep mistrust of everyone?

If you recognize these traits and style of relating in your own life, you can re-frame to tell yourself the truth.  The truth is that “I couldn’t rely on my parents at times however, I can trust some people.  Everyone is not like my parents.  I am worthy in God’s eyes regardless of my accomplishments.  I will depend on God to provide direction and assistance.  I can trust God.  I may not have been able to trust or rely on my parent(s) but I can rely on God.

Often this framework of thinking has been in place for a number of years.  Reframing may be difficult and require intense practice, but the truth is….you can do it.

“the infant and young child should experience a warm, intimate, and continuous relationship with his mother (or permanent mother substitute) in which both find satisfaction and enjoyment”

This formed the basis of his attachment theory.  The theory basically says that children develop a framework of thinking about their self worth, about others, about their trust in others, and trust in themselves as a result of the child’s ability to have basic needs met by the parents (and mother in particular).

There are four basic attachment styles or ways in which we enter relationships.  The secure, the avoidant, the ambivalent, and the disorganized.

I’ll address one of these today and others to follow.

The secure attachment style says “I am worthy of love, I am capable of love, and others are willing and able to love me.”  The truth is, regardless of how well your needs were met as a child, you are still are worthy of God’s love, you are capable of love, and others can love you.

People that struggle in relationships probably are acting out the other styles of relationship, ie. the avoidant, ambivalent or the disorganized.    More tomorrow.