Some questions to consider:  What is your process for making decisions?  Do you have a process?  How do you decide whether or not to purchase a washer and dryer?  Whirlpool or Maytag, Lexus or Volkswagon?  Are you a leader? Pastor?  Business Owner?  Parent?  Are you aware that decisions have long lasting effects on the future, the flock, our finances, our spouse, children, patrons and a host of other people as a result?

Poor decisions and undesirable outcomes are often the result of making decisions without obtaining information and data necessary to make a wise decision.  Poor decisions are usually made without obtaining advice from those who are directly effected by the decision, procrastinating and not making a decision at all, or failing to communicate or implement the decision.  When we procrastinate and fail to make a decision, we actually make a decision; the decision to do nothing.  At times, the decision to do nothing can be an effective decision. It’s important to understand that doing nothing, is a decision.  Will doing nothing help accomplish your goals?

Having a process in place for making decisions is essential.  Your team, parishioners, family, and those involved with implementing decisions need to understand what the process is.  Otherwise, decisions just seem to happen….or not……in “back rooms,” conference rooms or hallways.  Without an established process in place, clear decisions are rarely made, they’re poorly communicated, and usually shoddily implemented.  Results?  You’re unhappy because those who are “supposed” to implement the decision didn’t know about it, weren’t asked about, aren’t “on-board with it,” and they are disgruntled because they don’t feel involved or communicated with.

Decisions should not be made without involving the appropriate advisors, and people who have knowledge and wisdom related to the decision to be made.  Advisors may be financial experts, spouses, Consumer Reports, lawyers, doctors, lay-people, peers, engineers, builders, children, scientists, counselors, anyone who has knowledge, experience, or who will ultimately be effected by the decision.  Decisions should not be made in the vacuum of your office or your “head.”  I’m always a little amazed and stunned when counseling with leaders (or spouses) who are simply reaping the rewards of a decision(s) made without any input or “advice” from those who have wisdom, experience, or those  effected by the decision.  It’s always a source of anger, disrespect, and a host of other negative feelings when decisions are made without obtaining “buy-in” or advice, from others expected to implement or live with the decision.

Summary

In order to make the “best” decision:

• Establish and publish a process for making decisions.  Frame the decision correctly.  What exactly is being decided?  (This is not as easy as it sounds)  Who is going to make the final decision?
• Obtain adequate input from “advisors” who can bring expertise or experience to the debate.

• Identify a number of viable options.  There are  ALWAYS options.  There is never only one option for a decision.

• Consider the pros and cons of various options.  Make a list and compare benefits vs disadvantages for each of the viable options.

• Make a decision.  Yes make a decision.

• Communicate the decision to all parties.

Now, what if you have made a poor decision in the past and would like to correct it?   I’ll address that questions in the near future.

I recently attended a Christian men’s retreat designed to address a man’s shame, anger, loss, guilt, and fear.  The transparency from each man was astonishing and refreshing.  I met a young man that looked “so together”  on the outside.   He was well dressed, friendly, and had a charismatic personality.  I sat across from him at lunch one day and we’d never met.  I wanted to make small talk. I started to ask him about his family, how long had he been married, did he have children.   I wondered.  He began to share that he had struggled with a gruesome past of meth addiction, same sex attraction, and was HIV positive.  But he was seeking God through prayer and felt that because of his early childhood sexual abuse, he had become confused about his masculinity and who he was in Christ.  He did not want to live the gay lifestyle and had attended  the Marked Men For Christ retreat to receive spiritual help for his struggles. He had great faith and stated that he believed God could heal him of his infection.  At first he was taking 10-12 different pills, now he was taking only one pill, and believed that God had protected his life. I met other men over the course of the weekend who were fighting various addictions and problems that were hindering them from becoming all that God had intended. Former inmates, drug addicts, men who had been shamed by their parents, abused by siblings or other relatives, men who had committed adultery, all seeking help, forgiveness, and healing for their wounds and immobilizing fear.  All were repentant. Were these people who would stand out in a crowd?  Did they look weird?  Sound or talk differently?  Dress oddly?  Not at all. They are God’s children just like you and me.  The “guy” next door.

You have your personal struggles, and I have mine. Admit it.  Look, we all have issues and wounds from the past that God is wanting to heal and restore completely. We are all “children” walking a mine field of life’s jagged journey.  Your journey will be different than mine but we’re connected by our common humanity and frailty.  Sometimes the journey gets tough, it’s painful, tragic, and contorted. Yet we share our humanity and are connected by our fallen, at times frail flesh.  I’m more convinced than ever that we are so “fallen” and so “flesh” like, so needy, that whether one believes in God or not, only a divine, all knowing, all powerful entity or deity could save us from our “fallen-ness.”

Now, go hug a friend, make a phone call, reach out, extend a hand,  let someone know that you care about them. I promise it will be therapeutic ….for both of you.

Some kids eagerly run ahead, excited about the challenge ahead.  One mom carries her 3 year old daughter in her arms as brother lags some distance behind with an anxious look on his face.  Reluctance. Clad in crinkled gym shorts, Y tee shirt, and size 6 tennis shoes, they are wondering, “Can I do it?  “Can I make mom and dad proud?”  “Can I really dribble down the court?”  “Hope I don’t trip today.” The orange rim goal looms overhead twice their height.  It requires both arms to lunge the massive ball onto the glass backboard.  The giant sphere swishes the net….. falling short of the rim.

I walk by the glass enclosed play area and a camera flash goes off as memories are collected for bragging rights later.  As rubber soles slide across the shiny polished wood floors, friction squeaks are heard above loud parents yelling, “Go girl!”  “Way to go!” “Come on, move it!”  Controlled chaos. Herding cats.  “Over here!”  “Shoot!”  A friendly ref blows the whistle and calls it out of bounds.  He points in the opposite direction.

It’s become an American ritual.  Every Saturday morning, families of all colors, shapes, sizes, make their way to the soccer fields, baseball and football fields marking spring, fall, and winter.  Summertime is reserved for swim teams.

Yea I remember when.  My oldest just turned 29 yesterday.  Once my 2 boys grew up, it was a couple of years before I could drive past an empty soccer field without getting a lump in my throat.  That seems like a long time ago. But for some reason, today’s blast to the past makes it seem as only yesterday. Saturday mornings at the Y and to the various sport’s fields filled each Saturday.  Late lunches at Joe and Mima’s with great cheese stake sandwiches or chicken wings at Old Country Buffet.  Crash Saturday night during a card game with friends.

Yea, I remember it all.  If your kids are grown like mine, then take some time out to sit and remember these rituals of parenting.  If you’re not there yet, you’re not married or you don’t have kids, then you have more to look forward to.  If you’re there now, savor it.  Don’t rush. Don’t wish it away.  Get present.  Be aware when holding your son’s hand as you march defiantly into the gym on that cold December morning.  Notice your little girl’s stride as she attacks the ball mid court.  It will pass soon enough.  There’s only a few more trips to the soccer field.  The days are numbered.  It is a spectacular journey.

We drove to the local firehall today just as we’ve done so many times before on this crisp, fall, November morning.  We made our way past the cluttered campaign signs and a few cheery poll workers offering their last minute hand shakes and tired, somewhat forced smiles.  We slowly make our way over to the table marked A-M.  “Creasy, C R E A S Y.” We autographed the small space and moved to the next station.  An elderly man handed us our paper ballot and pointed us in the direction of the small, dimly lit voting booth that reminded me of those that protect the contestants on final Jeopardy from sneaking a peek.

I notice a lump in my throat.  What is it?  How does one describe the feeling that only manifests and is only noticeable in the polling place each first Tuesday in November?  Is it just pride in our country? Is it an unconscious “knowing” that we are free citizens and can make a difference to protect the republic by voting that suddenly breaks the surface of our conscious realm of thinking? Does this reentry into consciousness strike an emotional chord  that often goes unnoticed during the routine of our daily existence?  I describe this as a sacredness.  It’s a feeling of reverence and deep respect for the privilege of expressing our voice in how we are governed.

I’d like to borrow from Neil Young, a school history teacher in Chester Co. Pennsylvania to elaborate.

As one story goes, Benjamin Franklin emerged from Independence Hall and was asked by a lady, “Sir, what have you given us?”; to which he replied, “A republic ma’m, if you can keep it.”

Every time I read that quote, I wonder what Governor Franklin meant by it.  The obvious answer lies in the fact that the burden of keeping a republic ultimately lies with the voting public.  However I believe that this cryptic, backhanded, and off the cuff comment was Franklin’s way of expressing just how difficult it is to maintain a republic.

The United States officially recognizes 194 countries around the world and of those around 40 are recognized as dictatorships.  That would leave over 150 countries operating in varying degrees as republics.  Despite their best efforts, many of those republics are perilously close to slipping back into despotism.

There are many difficulties with placing power in the hands of the people, but two causes will crumble a republic more often anything else.  First is a countries inability to host free and fair elections.  Elections run with minimum corruption and fraud, and where citizens are safe and informed to cast their ballot in secret.  This is no small task.  In Afghanistan’s last election, the U.N estimates that about 60% of votes were fraudulent.  Votes were either forged or simply discarded.  Citizens were either intimidated or attacked.  As a result Afghanistan now has a president that few citizens can put their trust in.   Ironically enough it seems that the less equipped a country is to deal with an election, the more hungry it’s people are to let their voices be heard.  There are many reports that the Taliban cut off the pinky fingers of those who voted, yet voter turnout in Afghanistan was likely three times that of the U.S midterm elections.

I took my marked ballot and fed it gently into the machine resembling a cross between a paper shredder and printer, which gobbled it up. I carefully noticed the counted ballots number changed from 214 to 215.

Yep, that’s it.  Now I feel like I’ve done all that I can do to make a difference and protect the republic.  Ben would be proud.

Many clients (especially men) seeking help for depression, anger, or personality disorders, often describe their mother as cold, depressed, unavailable, ambivalent, distant, burdened, intimidated, lonely, and often a victim of abuse themselves.  The abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual in nature.  One must tell “self” the truth about our mothers in terms of their personal history, their struggles, and their emotional health in order for us to have peace and healthy emotional feelings.  Sometimes clients place the same expectations on their mother which may have severe emotional baggage and limitations, as those dream girls we see on TV, June Cleaver, Margaret Anderson, (Father Knows Best) Clair Huxtable, Harriet Nelson, and you get the picture.  But the truth often includes the fact that our mothers may have been a victim of abuse, and suffered severe mental disorders such as depression, anxiety, or a personality disorder.  The truth is, if our mother suffered from a mental disorder, abuse, or depression, they weren’t ABLE, they weren’t capable of giving us what we needed in order for us  to feel loved, nurtured, and significant. We can’t truthfully hold our mother (or our father but we’ll save that for later) responsible for fulfilling their cultural and God given role as “nurturer” if they are ill equipped, or emotionally damaged.  Problem is, when we’re 7  years old, we can’t process all this psycho babble, we just know we need love and nurturing.  As adults one has to accept the “fact” that “mother” may not be able to give us what we need to survive.  If this is the situation, we must realize that God will provide.  God knows that we need “mothering” and He will provide, whether through another  surrogate “mother” ie. grandmother, aunt, friend, “sister,” or other relative.  One also has to recognize that we are “worthy” and valuable in the eyes of God REGARDLESS of the quality or amount of nurturing one received from “mother.”  Sometimes, “mother” may not have given us what we needed, but we are still worthy and valuable in the eyes of God.  We are sons and daughters of the Father, regardless of our connection with our natural “mother.”  If your mother is living, send her flowers……show that you love her, regardless of what she has given you……

So now, I’m off to the store.  Ok, first lesson, never, never shop at Wegmans on Monday mornings.  Their cupboards are also bear from the ransacking they took over the weekend.  The collard greens were yellow (for you yankees, they’re supposed to be bright verdant green),  No tomato sauce, or fresh grapefruit juice either.  Enough, you get the picture.  So now I notice  there are only two categories of people in the entire store; either the very old with grey hair ( I guess I qualify now), or young mothers with kids in shopping carts which look like model airplanes.  It’s dodge cars as you’ve never seen it (remember the dodge cars at the state fairs? The ones which have the electric sparking cable attached to the ceiling?)  Well that’s what its like.  Several grandmothers were nearly ran over by moms  rushing for the blue light special in the opposite corner of the store.  Wild as usual.

But what got my attention and brought me back to the present, a very enjoyable moment of course, was the red faced toddler standing up in the shopping cart (designed to look like a model airplane) who was announcing his unhappiness to the entire produce section.  Then I watched as the mom, bend over, without effort and softly plant a  “mothers” kiss to his sweaty forehead.  It was magical and facinating to see the calming effect of …what else…LOVE.  The tears dried up, and a big smile came on his smudged face.  See what a kiss can do?   Find the one you love right now and go plant a kiss on their cheek and see what happens…..

God seems to transform and bring healing to us in at least two distinct ways;  an instantaneous miracle, or through a process of peeling back multiple layers of spiritual, emotional, and psychological walls, often compared to “peeling an onion.”  This latter process usually occurs over extended periods of time often requiring years or even a lifetime to accomplish.

In my experience with counseling those struggling with sexual addictions and sexual sins, transforming healing and freedom occurs during a process over time.  I’ve also observed this “healing process” with drug addictions as well. During the process there are often “slip-ups” where the person who has resolved never to go back, never to “use” again, returns to use the drug or view the pornography once more.

While we know that God has the power to instantly heal and bring recovery, I believe he uses this restorative process over time to vividly demonstrate the destructive, deadly, consequences that sin brings not only to the individual but to family and friends surrounding the person.  It helps one to realize the “awfulness” of the sin which drives us to our knees in daily submission and supplication to our Father for help.  The process also reveals to us the magnificence and depth of His grace when we are  totally and completely dependent on God for deliverance.  Remember God spoke to Paul about his struggles and said “my grace is sufficient.” God did not instantly bring healing or restoration to Paul regarding the “thorn in the flesh.”  I believe he wanted to use this opportunity to demonstrate his grace and power in Paul’s life.

The story of Joseph in Genesis perfectly describes a healing process.  God could have instantly taken revenge on the brothers who tried to kill Joseph.  He could have made Joseph ruler in Egypt at any time.  But he didn’t.  We’re provided a narrative that tells of how Joseph was left for dead, slandered, accused of rape, and  imprisoned before being placed in authority to save his family.  It was a process.  All the evil that was hoisted upon Joseph, God turned it around and made something beautiful and good that saved his entire family from death.

Genesis 50:20 You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.

Look at the process that God took Abraham and Sara through.  Why didn’t God just give them a son during their youthful years?  Why did he wait 100 years before giving them a child?  It was through this extended period of time that Abraham proved his faith and God demonstrated his powerful hand to accomplish what he promised he would.

I believe God can take the evil that haunts and seeks to destroy our lives and make something good from it.  Addictive behaviors are always the tip of the iceberg.  It’s what we observe from the outside. God wants to uncover the often hidden root causes, the emotional and psychological wounds, unforgiveness, anger, self reliance and pride, that support and give way to the addictive behaviors.  True restoration, freedom and healing from these types of wounds will take time to explore and allow the Holy Spirit to reveal new insights within our hearts which will bring lasting transformation.

Right now I’m referring to it as Phase III for a lack of a better title. Phase I was my Growing Up years (the immature years), Phase II was my career years (also the immature years), and now Phase III. I’m all grown up (that depends on who you ask) and the path ahead is not marked.  I’ve never been here before.  Of course, it’s never been well marked.

Wow!  It’s been a great journey.  I started this career as a sales representative in Nashville October, 1978.  I remember this time of life so distinctly and clearly.  I had married Kathy in July of that same year and was working day and night (literally) as a surgical assistant at St. Thomas hospital.  It required long hours and being “on-call” at night.  I would often enter the door of our small apartment and then be called back to the Hospital to assist with an emergency procedure. Or I would doze off to a sound sleep only to hear the phone ring to let me know they needed me to return to the hospital.  Long hours and stress, and I was making about $13,000 annually.   I had applied to attend medical school and was anxiously awaiting their response. Driving home one dark night, I had not seen the sunshine for several days.  I went to work in the dark and I drove home in the dark.  Once inside the operating suite, there are no windows to allow in the outside rays of warm sunlight.  I remember praying “ok, God, I give up, I can’t do this anymore and I need you to intervene for me.”  I wanted a career, I was desperate for direction and I couldn’t do this by myself. I didn’t know where I was going and I didn’t know how I would get there.  That moment is still etched in my memory as if it happened only yesterday.  That night I received a phone call from a job search firm (head hunter) that changed the course of my life forever.  It launched a series of interviews which eventually resulted in a job offer.

My job has provided me the opportunity to travel extensively to places at minimal personal cost to me that I would never have been able to otherwise afford. I was fortunate to travel in Asia several times over the past 5 years conducting business in China, Singapore, Taiwan, Hong Kong, Malaysia, and others.   I’ve met famous people along the way;  Cicily Tyson, Kathleen Turner, Glenn Close, Harry Bellefonte, Bella Abzug, Leslie Sthal, Sugar Ray, senators, congressmen, Presidents Bill Clinton (at a distance), and George Bush Sr. (at a distance), and obtained the autograph of Mike Ditka.  I’ve eaten at fine restaurants in the country and slept in the Ritz Carlton. I’ve been able to visit most of the great cities across our beautiful country. I’ve met and worked with doctors who have pioneered new treatments for Women’s Healthcare, cardiology, contraception, diabetes, osteoporosis, and heart disease. I’m not listing this as bragging points or to name drop, I’m just trying to explain the personal benefits my career has afforded me and God’s blessings.

This has been an exciting and interesting career working for one of the best companies in the world.  Pharmaceutical companies have been maligned, targeted and accused of robbing the poor and much worse.  We haven’t done everything right and mistakes may have been made. Many corrective actions have been implemented and new regulations are now a way of life. Pharmaceutical companies are no different from governments, churches, or the UAW  (United Auto Workers) in the sense that you may find unethical and dishonest people in any large institution.  However, my experience has been that 99.9% of people I’ve come in contact with are diligent, honest, ethical, and hard working people.  Our employee parking lot is usually filled by 7 am each day.  Many of the people I work with put in 12 hour days and think nothing of it.  The knowledge obtained from research and the products we make and sell have literally saved millions of lives, extended the life expectancy, decreased suffering and improved the overall quality of life. If you’re reading this, you most likely have first hand  experience of what effective medications used in the appropriate patients, and prescribed in the correct manner can achieve.  If the government continues to support the import of drugs from Canada or other outside countries, and mandate the use of generics, the flow of new drugs and innovative treatments will diminish.  This industry will be extinct as a result of government over-reach.  Today, 8 of the top 10 drugs prescribed in the world are the result of US research, innovation, science, and technology of the pharmaceutical companies.

Fast forward from October 1978 to 2010. Along with Kathy’s loyalty, support, and other family members support, my job has helped purchase houses, cars, food, clothes, healthcare, vacations, retirement plans, savings accounts, 401K, recreation, and expensive educations for 2 boys. They’ve paid for my Master’s Degree which helped to launch my “second” career in counseling. The company’s success has allowed us to give to missions, travel for missions, and help finance others in the ministry. Again, please don’t think I’m bragging, but rather consider it a testimony to God’s provision and faithfulness. Considering depth and the scope of my blessings, my contribution has been negligible.

Enter Phase III.  It shall remain untitled for the time being. In fact, perhaps someone else will provide the moniker after time has passed. Currently, no theme or mile markers are visible. It is a new season of potential.  There are some things I want to accomplish and experience.  First of all, I want to live in the present more.  I can’t change the past and I don’t know what the future holds.  I can know the present and enjoy the moment. Living in the present means stopping long enough to listen and notice the store clerk, neighbors, the waiter and waitress, my family, my friends without regard to my next appointment or item on the “to do list.”  It’s intentional focus on what is being said and what is going on around me in the moment.  Conscious living in the present moment will allow me to experience the smell and scent of country ham frying in a black iron skillet on a cold Saturday morning.  I’ll feel the texture and moisture and warmth of sugary sand under my feet while walking the inlet shore of Oak Island in North Carolina, observe wild sea oats sprouting from white sand hills, gently reaching upward, swaying in the sweet smelling ocean breezes. It’s observing the backdrop to this natural exposition which is an azure clear sky above. In front of me, it’s the shimmering vast ocean which extends from east to west as far as the eye can see. Or it could be hanging out with Kathy on Parksville Lake in the East Tennessee mountains on a hot summer day swimming in clear cool water.  It might be traveling down Rt. 100 headed for family and friends in West Tennessee.  Perhaps it’s further south where Spanish moss hangs from aging oak trees; where noisy locusts and crickets break the silence of evening with screeching tunes and chatter. It’s sitting on my screened in porch on summer evenings facing orange hues of a southwest sunset.

So where do I go from here?  We’re looking at all options which include but not limited to; dedicating more time to my local church (wherever that may be), traveling, teaching at a college or university, working on an advanced degree in counseling, writing, opening a small restaurant, consulting, life coaching, career coaching, wintering in a very warm area of the country, well… you get the picture.  These are my interests and whatever we decide to do (with God’s guidance), it will be something that gives me great satisfaction and a sense of purpose.  Of course this is the planned approach to achieving our dreams.  We can’t see the unexpected, unpredictable and unknown curves that lie ahead.  Hopefully, we’ll continue to have excellent health and healthy kids.  Perhaps a grandchild (or two, or three) will suddenly appear. This much I know is true,

Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

I have often said I forgive you but even as I said these words, my heart remained angry or resentful.

I still wanted to hear the story that tells me that I was right after all; I still wanted to hear apologies and excuses.  I still wanted the satisfaction of receiving some praise in return.

But God’s forgiveness is unconditional; it comes from a heart that does not demand anything for itself, a heart that is completely empty of sell-seeking.

It is this divine forgiveness that I have to practice in my daily life.  It demands that I step over the wounded part of my heart that feels hurt and wronged and that wants to stay in control and put a few conditions between me and the one whom I as asked to forgive.

This stepping over is the authentic discipline of forgiveness.