Self Talk Analysis

Ever experience what is referred to as “road rage?” You know, someone pulls out in front of you on the road then slows to a crawling 35 mph in a 50 mph speed zone and you suddenly have the urge to pull up beside them and make obscene gestures with your hands or fingers. Or you decide to pull up as close as you can to their rear bumper and flash your headlights.  This is a good example of unhealthy anger that boils up when one of our rules are broken.  We all have rules about life, ourselves and others.  We have rules about how others should treat us. Rules about being on time, being accepted and how our children should behave. We have rules about how other children should behave. We establish our rules about  “knowing,” or being in control of situations. We have rules about how the world should operate and spin.   In the case of road rage, we have a rule that goes something like this; “No one must ever pull out in front of me and go slower than the speed limit,” No one has the right to pull out in front of me.”  I’m not talking about moral rules or standards.  I’m talking about pervasive cognitive rules we develop, usually as children, which we then attempt to enforce upon ourselves and on others.  These types of rules can help us survive stressful childhood environments so they can temporarily serve a purpose.  However, the problem occurs when we try and apply the rules as we mature into adults, with our spouse, co-workers and friends.  The rules don’t work anymore.  For example, if as kids we only received love and affection when we made straight “A’s” or only if we scored goals in soccer, then  in order to help  us survive, we develop an internal cognitive rule that says, “I am only worthy of affection or love if I am perfect. So, I must be perfect. I must perform. I cannot make any mistakes.”  These types of rules may succeed in the short term to gain the affection and attention we crave as 3^rd graders, but it only causes anger and emotional suffering when we try to apply the rules as functioning adults.  Why don’t the rules work anymore?  Often the rules we create for ourselves and others are irrational and run counter to the actual evidence.  But we ignore the evidence and continue to try and enforce the rule. When our rules are broken, it’s only a natural response of our bodies and mind to become and feel very angry.  Sometimes when our rules are broken, we also develop a sense of failure, anxiety, sadness and depression.  More–later